April 9th is officially...

pat Marcy on the back day!! Well, at least that's what Rizzi named it :). Yesterday was an awesome day for me, on all sorts of levels. And oddly enough it all started at IHOP. You see, IHOP currently has a Horton Hears a Who dinner for kids, and Cheyenne was so excited to get this dinner. So Rizzi, M, Wyatt, Chey and myself go there for dinner. When wer first entered, the handsome Manage, who is the gayes boy ever, said, long time no see. Ok, I don't even remember him, but he was so nice! As we walked to our table I noticed a woman and her son eating there, just the two of them. The boy was about Cheyenne's age I was guessing. This cute little man was having Horton for dinner as well. Rizzi and I are laughing and joking, as usual (she CRACKS me up all the time). I can't remember how the conversation got started, but next thing I know we are talking to this woman and son about the movie they just watched. The table next to us joined in the converstaion. It was awesome, stranger talking like friends, I live for it!! The conversation then turned to school and which Wyatt and Cheyenne attend. She said her son, B, goes to a private school as well, he is in preschool. God, its so hazy now, I just remember this woman was in pain, and you could see it on her face. She was well dressed, beautiful and just racked with grief. I could see it on her face. I couldn't help myself, I told her that she would be ok, whatever was hurting her would pass if she believed in herself. Ok, so you may be wondering why I said it. Wouldn't you if you knew it could change a persons life?
This woman started to cry. Marcy being Marcy I stood up on the bench, stepped over to where she was (behind us) and hugged her so tight. She hugged back, and held tightly as well. She let go, looked at me and asked if I was an angel. I laughed and told her, no, just some crazy lady from Ogden. :) It turns out this woman, B, is from Sacramento, recently divorced and in her first lesbian raltionship at age 40. How amazing that like people are drawn to like people. Truly, had no idea this woamn was "family" until after we hugged. It was funny, after we hugged tight and wiped our tears away, I extended my hand and said, "my names Marcy, what's yours?" We both laughed.
I sat with her and her son for about half an hour, we exchanged numbers and I hope to hear from her soon. I was worried about her last night. At one point in the conversation she askes Rizzi, who is still behind us, if she was ok with her and I talking. Rizzi laughed and said, I'm so used to it, I love that she can help. God she is perfect for me!!

Ok, so I get back to our table and start eating with the fam. The manager, who happened to be our server as well, comes to the table and asks me, do you remember me? OMG, please, no tests!! I said, you look familiar. You never know if it's from the jail....well!!! He says to me, well you were the most inspiring customer I've ever helped. He said that years ago I had come in for breakfast and he was BRAND new. He told me that I was the most positive customer he had and that I complimented him often. Often enough to inspire him to stay and work into management. He explained that I helped his self confidence a TON at work. How fuckin cool is that?? I almost cried again. I told him thanks and that it meant a ton to me that he would take the time to tell me. So by this time Rizzi and I are laughing and joking about my ego...I am human, it felt good to have people tell you how special you are.

So then we get home and I notice K is online. I drop him a line and ask how he is feeling. He says he's awesome. Stir crazy but awesome. He then tells me that he talked to his therapist about me today and how incredible I am in his life. He types that he loves me so much and that I have been an incredible friend. OMG, I am LOVING today right!!! How can you go wrong? I express my love for everyone daily, and it's nice to get it back in return.

And on a final note...My friend P&C, she I/M'd and told me what a positive influence I've been in her life, that her life has changed for the best since she has met me and that I am like family to her. I love her sooo much!!! I seriously don't know what to say to all the events of today, but Rizzi chuckled, pulled me close to her and said, holy shit babe, it's officially pat Marcy on the back day. She made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants :) Rizzi thanked me for being me, I thanked her for being her and off to bed we went so we could officially pat Marcy on the back ;)

Ok, were to begin...

So kids were dropped off by Andy and his wife on Friday at about 2100. Wyatt was upset, crying, lips quivering and trying so hard to "be brave." His dad tells him over and over not to cry and be brave. When he got in the house I told him to cry all he wanted...it didn't make him less brave. If anything, it made him a brave little man to cry if he needed to. I told him I would take him to the zoo or the dino park on Saturday. The first thing he asked is if we would be there early in the morning. I told him no, that we would be sleeping in. He then infoms me that when we woke up in the morning his dad would be gone for one year....*sigh*. Funny thing about kids though, when I told him we would go somewhere he got so excited he started dancing around the house. Him and Chey did really well on Saturday, only Wyatt mentioned his daddy being gone one time. We ended up going to the Clarke Planetarium and going to see K. He is doing so well :)

I was supposed to give kids back to Kit on Sunday morning, but inevitably she couldnt watch them....she was too emotionally drained. I am the Captain of my counties potlucks, so I was unable to go, but it worked out for the best. I got to see P&C, K and all the kids played all day long, it was awesome. K stayed until 0200 and we had lengthy discussion about relationships....why is it balanced healthy people in relationships become counselors :) I love K and hope he gets the relationship he deserves...he's a great SINGLE guy, for all of those out there that may no a great SINGLE lady. ;)

Ok, let me vent real quickly about my kids and there schedule. First off, Andy asked that I keep the schedule the same (Kit having them Fri-Mon). Now I like to believe that I am an accomodating person, working with Andy for the kids sake. Rizzi, Kit, Andy and I went to lunch a week before he left. Kit didn't say much, but Andy, Rizzi and I talked about the summer schedule, what school they will attend, and pretty much anything you can think of for the next year. The problem is, Kit never talked about her work schedule, how she is going to get help if she needs it, etc. So when Andy called me Saturday to let me know that Kit couldn't take the kids on Sun I was perturbed. I mean, the whole reason I agreeded to allowing the kids to go to Andy's house while he is gone is so they could still have a sense of normalcy, to be around his space. But, seriously, if we can't have a routine schedule, fuck it, I'm keeping them with me and I'll figure out daycare. I can't go week to week not knowing what to expect out of Kit. Last night I noticed she was signed into her I/M so asked how she was doing and if she was holding up ok. I told her I was keeping the kids busy, so they were doing fine. She text back, "Thank you for keeping them busy." WTF?? Are you serious, thank you, there my kids, no thanks necessary. I was pissed, and I don't know if I'm justified in it, but oh well, it's what I was. She said she had to go out to the barn and feed the horses, so I asked that she call me later in the evening. She never did. I want to talk with her and make sure that she is good with the schedule, or if someting would work better for her. FUCK....I really don't need this lack of the unkown...I want a schedule and I want it now :)

Suicide....

what a peculiar way to solve frustration and guilt. Now I know most of you believe suicide is a way to stop the "pain" of life, but I believe it is a way to stop frustration. The reason I bring this up is that at work last night two inmates attempted suicide. Now I am no expert, but isn't that the most cowardly of acts? Now I am not making judgement, we all deal with our frustration and guilt in different ways, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around individuals who dwell on their own suffering. Don't we all suffer to some degree, I mean EVERYONE. We all have a story, filled with greatness and sorrow at times. But seriously, who was the first person to conceive of the notion of taking your life to stop frustration? I consider myself fortunate, I suppose, for not allowing my heart to overtake my mind....or is it the other way around?
I listened to one inmate say he just wanted to move out of his cold cell, so he chose to try and hang himself with a sock (I must say he was not really trying to harm himself, just needed some attention), but the other was doing a fine job of cutting his wrists with a broken up plastic cup. When I spoke with him he said that he was a "scratcher" (meaning a cutter I'm sure) and that he just needed to release the pain. I get that, isn't that weird, that inflicting pain and allowing it to "leave" your body can make sense to me even frightens me :). But then he went on to say that he had nothing to "live for" since his father died. How sad that a person doesn't value their own self worth and gives that away to others. Even after telling me he's better off dead, he tried to convince me that he wasn't suicidal....a suicidal subject in denial is not easy to deal with. I explained that his statements, along with his actions, are self destructive, which can be viewed as suicidal. He wanted to argue, but if you know me at all, it wasn't much of an argument. He wanted to continue to tell me that he "couldn't believe I was thinking he wanted to committ suicide." WOW!!! I ever so gently explained that I didn't know what he was thinking, but I have a duty to protect, even if it's him against himself. It was surreal. He was empty and frustrated. He was non-responsive emotionally, even to himself. He was lost. I hate my job sometimes, it's draining and uncaring at moments, but on the other hand it has helped shape my view of the world. It has helped me remain positive, as unrealisitic as that may sound. It makes me appreciate the "white lights" floating around in the universe. It truly makes me embrace life with a HUGE hug every morning and a goodnight kiss as I fall into slumber. Life is what you make it right? Even through frustration, guilt, pain and sorrow.

It's a boy!!!!!

That is what the balloons said that we sent him after his surgery!! He sent me a text on surgery day saying "I'm a boy!!" It is incredible to watch a person transform into who they really are. Thanks for the journey, though it's just began, and trusting to have me along!!

Thought I'd update on Andy and Afghanistan (that's were he is actually goin). He leaves next Saturday at 0745...I hope the kids will be ok, though I know I set the tone on how well my kids will be. If I have a hard time, they will too. If I stay strong, confident and empathetic, they will as well. I see I will have to pep talk myself this coming week and be cool as a cucumber....

Got registered for all my classes. Of course the online course I wanted was closed (Bastards!!!) They start in May, and I don't know if I have ever been this excited for school.

So I sluffed work tonight by the insistance of Rizzi. Soooo glad I did. We spent some time together, watched some L-word (still on season 4 cause we don't have Showtime and got the DVD's for X-mas.) Rizzi is the most kind, compassionate person I have ever been with. She is the safest person I have ever shared with and she fits like a glove. I am the luckiest girl in the galaxy :)

So much to say...

so little time. Ok, update on employee, he called. I sent it to voicemail. He left message and acted as though we are bestfriends. I won't text or tell him over the phone that we are not friends, and that he has got to find someone else to help him, but I don't know if doing it face to face is a good idea either *sigh*.

Went to dinner last night with Rizzi and the kids, P&C and K. K is a friend of mine that is transgendering and goes to get his top surgery today...YAY!!! I am so excited for him. I talked with him this morning and we decided that "drunk" texting is in order this evening. My kids met him for the first time last Friday and Chey really loves him. When I told her this morning that K was getting his surgery today, she chanted his name over and over and asked if she could stay the night to help take care of him. I love her!! Funny thing is that Chey is my tough nut that doesn't usually like people. She's my introvert, so it's cool when you see her attach herself to people. P&C is my straight friend who is the BIGGEST allie ever....same with her mom. I have HUGE love for P&C....she's the best.

By the way...had a big fire in the fire pit in the back yard last night....I LOVE IT!!!

Sick, Sick, Sick....

that is my current state. The flu, I've decided, is no fun!! I am home alone, which is nice sometimes, but it's lying on the couch with body aches, chills, and a fever. Nothing like sickness to make you feel weak and puny. Though it has givin me a chance to study in silence and do absolutely nothing (though Rizzi reminded me of laundry that needs to be folded) :)


****Ok, really, the whole puking thing is horrible. My throat hurts, my body aches, and I'm just all around miserable. I whine when I'm sick and I get irritable (hard to believe, I know!!) I quit smoking today (AGAIN!!) so I think it's a conspiracy by my body to do me in!! Chantix is a miracle drug I swear, it helps making quitting a attainable goal for me. See, the problem is I love to smoke...I call it my valium, but I am very aware of the dangers, and my enjoyment does not out weigh the danger *sigh* rational Marcy ruins everything! But, I know my kids will be proud and they will be excited for me to quit. Besides that, I am a HUGE believer in actions speak louder than words, so smoking around kids tells them it's ok. *I swear I'll FREAK out if they smoke* My sick ass is going back to bed, I had to check to see if I felt human...I don't.

Had soooo much fun...

This weekend!! Went out with the girls and took my str8 friend to Papermoon...it was awesome. I think I just needed a day to not care, let shit go and dance like a mad woman!! And dance like a mad woman I did!! I love to people watch and better place than a bar??? Though, I'd have to say I can't imagine doing weekend after weekend. Going twice a year suits me fine! Also went to lunch with my parents on Saturday, I want to get closer to them, so we are working on that. Overall, I had an excellent time with old friends and some new friends as well!!

Ran into J's partner (T) ex at the bar. She was nice enough, but it's weird how I keep to myself when I know there is a link between me and J sitting next to me. I want to ask so many questions though. I mean this woman lived with T for 3 years, she'd know what she is like..we don't and she lives with Merick with her two kids. She did say that T was a good mom...that's good!! She said that T has an agenda and it's usually money....well J has plenty so there ya go. I just said, well she found the right woman then....wanted to say, I hope she fucks J over....then thought better of it! ;)


On another note, Haven't heard from J since our weekend with M. It's funny that she interfere's all day long when he is with us, but refuses to admit that is what she is doing. Rizzi talked with M last night and he told her that she is ruining his life because she won't take him to scouts. Now I understand that M has his own mind, and he wants certain things that won't be given, but his other mom puts a lot of shit in his mind. And if not going to scouts is ruining his life, I do believe I have a Drama Queen on my hands :)


****I just got home from picking up kids...it was a long weekend without them. Cheyenne cracks me up....she tells me today...wanna know why I'm going to be a teacher when I grow up? I said, why sweetie? She says, cause you can take your shoes off! God I love her!! How simple is that? I have to remember how to be that simple!
Andy called me today, he will be leaving for Iraq on 05 April...I worry how the kids will handle it. Wonder how to answer all the questions, how to stay positive when they will be sad, but know that they will still be linked to him by going to his wife and their other house. We'll see.....

Could it be...

that spring is on it's way? I woke up the house this morning (opening all the blinds and a window just a crack) and within a half hour, the house felt alive. I believe if my 82 year old house could sing it would have been :). I walked outside, getting ready to go shopping, and could hear the snow melting away. It wasn't just the tick, tick tick, of snow falling off the house, I swear you can hear the earth taking a drink from the concrete and dirt. I sat silently for a moment, letting the sun soak into my sun parched skin. It's so nice to feel sunray kisses and light ray hugs. Made me want to cry.



I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I'm a blubbering idiot. I really do hate the winter, it's depressing and I have no motivation, which in turn makes me not like Marcy so much. I am starting to notice as the weather changes, as I watch Mother Earth shed her old skin, I too must go through the same transition. I suppose that the snow, as it melts away and falls like tears, I too am going through the same transition. Letting go of all that is old, ugly and worn out and prepare for our new, bright, pretty skin.