Blast from the past....

*****Warning, this is really, really long*****

So there I was sitting on my couch minding my own business yesterday, when I get a text from a number that was way to famaliar. Some history....

About two years ago I became friends with my bestest friend in the whole world, we'll call her Prance and Cheer (P&C for short). Me and P&C work together. P&C was dating a fellow employee and it turned sooooo ugly. Ugly to the point that the fellow employee was stalking her (remember, we are cops here), threatening suicide weekly, but he was crafty enough to have the rest of us (other employees that are friends off duty) believing that he was just having a hard time since his divorce. I can't tell you how many times I took this employee to dinner to try and "help" him find himself and cheer him up. Well, it all came to head when P&C FINALLY filed a complaint at work (he would harrasse her there as well.) It turn into an IA (Internal Affairs investigation) and all of us were drug through hell. Now I'd say normally that an employee that has been investigated for stalking and admitted to the psyche ward for an attempted suicide wouldn't stay employed at our law enforcement agency.....guess again. Turns out that employee and the Cheif (who has since retired) are good buddies. Like go to coffee daily kinda buddies, so needless to say, employee kept his job (it should be noted he held the rank of Lieutenant). He was no longer a Lt., but he was placed in a civlian position with similar pay, got a take home vehicle (which he didn't have before) and still comes in contact with all involved. P&C was devastated and still has anxiety about running into him. TRUST me, I've told her a million times to get an attorney....she won't.

Ok, so back to sitting on the couch. I get a text from employee....

"Just wanted 2 say thanks 4 u'r help and sorry 4 be'in such a dick 4 the last year."

WHAT??? Why now??? I truly thought he was going to kill himself this time. I just imagined this being his last text. It took me a second to recognize the number, and I called P&C to be sure it was him. Well, if you've been trained in critical incidents (which I thought this very may well be) you know to start dialogue. So I text back,

"Eli...OMG..It's been forever! What are you doin?"

Ok, so it comes off really nice right? I was hoping to get a feel for his mental state, good, bad, moved on, still stuck in mental torment...you get the idea. He text back,

"Glad you figured it out! :)"

Ok, doesn't tell me mental state...though the smiley made me feel a little better. I send,

"It took me a minute. How have you been?"

He sends,

"Ok! Just try'in 2 appologise 2 everyone i fucked over. U'r one!"

Oh shit, back to regret and making ammends...realize I am sooo done with this guy. He seriously needs help beyond what a jailer can give, but I also know I have to get a sense of his mental state. This is why, so that Marcy can be ok with Marcy. I hope you understand what I mean. So if Employee killed himself without talking with me I'd be ok, but if employee killed himself after reaching out to me I wouldnt be ok. Make sense?? So I send,

"You didn't fuck me over..You did that to yourself. Sounds like your doing better. Know that I'm not bitter or hold grudges..I was worried about you, then got pissed and then got over it :) thank you so much for the apology."

Now all of this is very true, but it's also a set up...I call it bait statements. It almost forces someone to reply, with no question being asked. It will show if Employee has moved forward, or is still stuck in mental torment by his response. He responded,

"Just try'in 2 get lean w-people i like. Thanks and sorry."

Bastard, he just baited me. It again leaves you feeling as though his mental state is that of regret and making ammends before taking drastic steps. I have to remember he is trained even better than I. I decided it was time to take kids gloves off and go for it. I sent,

"Are you gonna hurt yourself? I haven't heard from you in awhile and don't know how your doing so i want to make sure."

There, I said it!! Now I am aware he can lie....he's done it before, but it's not about him. It's about me...if he responds with a no, then I'm ok, don't have to make it better and tell him to shove it....lol....ok, I would never do that, but I will have a different level of responsiblity to myself. He responds,

"No don't be retarded :) but thats how everyone treats me."

FUCK REALLY!!!! OMG...cause you cried wolf so many times that is how people are going to view you....I think I almost tore my hair out on that one....he is soooo oblivious to how he was/is. I sent,

"You can't blame us!! I'd say most of us are leary...I'm glad your doing well. Can I ask what brought this on?"

Please, Please, Please remember I asked this question early on....the truth comes out at the end, but instead he said...

"Just been so distant from people who helped me but beem 2 embarrased 2 talk about those timer." (times)

I sent,

"I can understand that. I'm sure it's hard sometimes. So tell me what your up to now."

Notice, I don't want to talk about the past, he just said he's embarassed to talk about it, so being the polite person I am, I ask how he is now...it's been 2 years. You'd hope that you could talk about something new, but to honest....I don't even care. He sent,

"Just try'in 2 keep my life in 1 piece. But when i try 2 talk about what im feel'in people go nuts and think i'm gunna blow my brains out."

Who says this shit? Understand, that is what employee was telling me two years ago. He just wanted to share his feelings. What a selfish prick. It's always about him and his feelings, and he takes no one else into account. It's so hard to be nice sometimes. I sent,

"Is that why your trying to re-connect with past friends?"

Unfortunately text takes away from the sarcasm dripping off my voice. He sent,

"I think so."

"I just want 2 talk 2 people who know me."

HA HA....Anyways, I sent,

"(his name)...I don't think i really knew you...you were lost."

He sends,

"I asked u and others 2 cover 4 me based on what i wanted them 2 know about me. That's why im sorry I used u."

NO SHIT dumbass...that's why we will never be friends again....I sent,

"Yeah i know. That's why i can say i didn't know you. For real, no need to apology."

Oops, just noticed my grammatical error *sigh*....he sent,

"I hid myself from everyond and if u pretend 2 b an immage long emough u loose whtgatro u really r."

Ok, let me dicipher that mess. I hid myself from everyone and if you pretend to be an image long enough u lose who and what you really r. Well, learned that lesson long ago, and not really interested in helping him AT all!! I sent,

"Oh trust me I know. Live that way myself. Tried talking to you about it at dinner once. Told you you had to find yourself."

He sent,

"I know!! :) i tried drugs 2 find me instead the dr's said that's what i needed. Wrong!!"

Ok, now I know he's off his head meds, could be one of the reasons he's talking to the past. I was done....I was done because I can't help or want to frustrate myself with his shit. I sent,

"I'm taking my sick ass to bed. Thanks again..Have a good night."

YAY...done....or so I thoight. He sent

"U 2"

I snuggled back on the couch with the girlfriend and was pleased that I wasn't absolutely rude, but was the typical accomodating Marcy. What's that....my phone ringing again, a text,

"I know I can trust u. I've had a lot of stomach problems and i've lost 20lbs in 2 weeks. I'm scared 2 death."

Soooo typical employee....talk around the issue and then spring it on ya when your finished....I was furious!!!

"Have you gone to the doctor?"

He sends,

"No 2 scared. Sorry 2 lay this on u."

No your not, you love it...your sick twisted ass loves to have drama and make your shit other peoples....not gonna take it, it's yours!!! I sent,

"You need to go..You know I can't help with that. You gotta go get checked and then let me know what they say."

Still can't figure out why I told him to tell me what the results are....I guess one cancer patient to another. But that's why he chose me!! He sends,

"I know what the answer is. People treat me like a leper b-cause i tried 2 off myself what will they treat me like when they know i have cancer?"

I sent,

"How do you know it's cancer?"

He sent,

"I was diagnosed 4 years ago. It was remissive."

Now mind you, we all knew and hung out with employee then, he never mentioned it....EVER!! I sent,

"What type of cancer?"

He sent,

"Stomach. The only thing they could do is take it ouj and leave me shitt'in in a bag! I won't live like that!"

I sent,

"Ok...So don't get your stomache out and wither away....God vain"

What else does he expect? GOD!!! He sent,

"Yes i am! Go 2 bed and thaks 4 let'in me vent."

It wasn't venting, it was let's cry for employee!! I have no pity, sorrow or remorse for him. I really don't...which is kinda creepy for someone like me. I sent,

"Good night."

He sent,

"U2 thank's"

Done right...oh no Mr. pitiful had to send,

"I sent out alot of initial text't. U were the only 1 who answered. Guess i know who my friends r."

Ok, I didn't respond to this one....becasue Im not his friend. I decided that I would need to call employee and tell him that I only answered cause it makes ME feel better. So that I don't live with regret....Answer a text doesn't prove a god damn thing....maybe I'm foolish is what that proves.

I called P&C and let her know our conversation...I hope she is ok, she is definetly anxious.

Sorry to ramble, but I had to put it somewhere (like proof) and not lose it...plus it's thereapy!!