Had soooo much fun...

This weekend!! Went out with the girls and took my str8 friend to Papermoon...it was awesome. I think I just needed a day to not care, let shit go and dance like a mad woman!! And dance like a mad woman I did!! I love to people watch and better place than a bar??? Though, I'd have to say I can't imagine doing weekend after weekend. Going twice a year suits me fine! Also went to lunch with my parents on Saturday, I want to get closer to them, so we are working on that. Overall, I had an excellent time with old friends and some new friends as well!!

Ran into J's partner (T) ex at the bar. She was nice enough, but it's weird how I keep to myself when I know there is a link between me and J sitting next to me. I want to ask so many questions though. I mean this woman lived with T for 3 years, she'd know what she is like..we don't and she lives with Merick with her two kids. She did say that T was a good mom...that's good!! She said that T has an agenda and it's usually money....well J has plenty so there ya go. I just said, well she found the right woman then....wanted to say, I hope she fucks J over....then thought better of it! ;)


On another note, Haven't heard from J since our weekend with M. It's funny that she interfere's all day long when he is with us, but refuses to admit that is what she is doing. Rizzi talked with M last night and he told her that she is ruining his life because she won't take him to scouts. Now I understand that M has his own mind, and he wants certain things that won't be given, but his other mom puts a lot of shit in his mind. And if not going to scouts is ruining his life, I do believe I have a Drama Queen on my hands :)


****I just got home from picking up kids...it was a long weekend without them. Cheyenne cracks me up....she tells me today...wanna know why I'm going to be a teacher when I grow up? I said, why sweetie? She says, cause you can take your shoes off! God I love her!! How simple is that? I have to remember how to be that simple!
Andy called me today, he will be leaving for Iraq on 05 April...I worry how the kids will handle it. Wonder how to answer all the questions, how to stay positive when they will be sad, but know that they will still be linked to him by going to his wife and their other house. We'll see.....

I was so...

close to earasing the last post, but thought...isn't the idea of all this to show the frustration, get it out and have a chance to look at all of it and learn from it? So earasing does not make it go away, and maybe this is what this about....knowing that I can't run, hide or erase my life away. There comes a point that you have to evaluate what you can compromise, what you can't and know what you'll do if you hit that cross roads.

I have always said that as long as people are respectful, communicate and are willing to try I will never give up on them. Never thought that I'd have to evaluate that it meant that the trying was for the way I needed it, now how they want to give it...turns out it's a big difference. Time will tell....time will tell if I need to face a cross roads...if choices, that seem impossible, need to be made.

Since the first couple of e-mails have been sent and the blogging, I have notice a push to try, a need to try and understand, a try to reconnect for ME, the way I need it. There's the try!! Now I have to pull my head out and look at the full picture....Hard sometimes.

Can't even put into words today...

how I feel....like breathing hurts, like I'm an idiot....like I just blew out a flame that I assumed was burning bright for me by someone else, all the while it was me burning it for someone else confusing myself, yet again. I so know that makes no sense to anyone else, but that's not what this for right? It sucks to feel empty, and you depleted yourself without even knowing you were doing it!! I'm so numb, crying would be difficult right now. I don't know if I'm mad, sad, frustrated....all of it.....NUMB!!!!

Running away is no longer an option. How many people will I hurt because I learn to accept certain things about myself....No more. No more will I go on acting as though life is ok, that I'm the happiest person alive and that I'm a special, spectacular person. I'm not. I'm not really worth the effort it turns out....not really that amazing that people can be caught up in me....gotta do that for myself, but not sure how.

I thought Cancer taught me all this....I thought it showed me how amazing life really was, and how to live it the right way....How to hold on to people tight and show them what they mean, to let them know DAILY that they are my world....is it just me that lives this way?? And why does it have to be wrong to want others to do it the same way, so they dont live with regret or sorrow? Oh yeah, that's lifes lesson, everyone is different and Marcy soooo can't grasp that. I'm so sick of lessons, I'm so sick of disappointment and I'm realizing what I'm doing to myself and that's hard!!! I have no one to blame, counter accuse....it's will always come down to me and me alone!! FUCK.....this sucks!!!

God, did someone just punch me....

in the stomach....though I won't be able to post this immediately...it is 2/19/08 and I just got word that a bill I have been watching is possibly going to not make it. It would allow the non-custodial parent more time with their child, be more involved in the decisions that affect the child and allow the parent's to designate a responsible party other than themselves....yep, it would give me the same right as a "spouse" of a straight relationship. But of course Hillyard has mentioned a "gay agenda" with the bill.........SHUT UP!! Go back to your hole, cover your head and chant stupidity somewhere else....Please. I do not interfere with your life, and this person has know idea who, what and how I am!! How can a person, who hasn't had dinner with me, played with my kids or drank beer with me change my life? I pray she never knows the pain, anguish and frustration that I must feel because of hate and fear. This is about NON custodial parents, not GAYS!!! And you know what, who gives a fuck if it helps out the gays....what is going to hurt you.....when did people lose site of the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD....to who's standard's??? I'm telling you right now, it is in the best interest of ALL of my children that they have us all....even if J doesn't agree!!!
OMG...I feel so angry right now....I want so badly to just bitch slap the smart into people....

Could it be...

that spring is on it's way? I woke up the house this morning (opening all the blinds and a window just a crack) and within a half hour, the house felt alive. I believe if my 82 year old house could sing it would have been :). I walked outside, getting ready to go shopping, and could hear the snow melting away. It wasn't just the tick, tick tick, of snow falling off the house, I swear you can hear the earth taking a drink from the concrete and dirt. I sat silently for a moment, letting the sun soak into my sun parched skin. It's so nice to feel sunray kisses and light ray hugs. Made me want to cry.



I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I'm a blubbering idiot. I really do hate the winter, it's depressing and I have no motivation, which in turn makes me not like Marcy so much. I am starting to notice as the weather changes, as I watch Mother Earth shed her old skin, I too must go through the same transition. I suppose that the snow, as it melts away and falls like tears, I too am going through the same transition. Letting go of all that is old, ugly and worn out and prepare for our new, bright, pretty skin.

Searching...

to find how I can make a difference, where I fit in and how I can help. Being born a helper is so satisfying, but frustrating at the same time. I think I'm partly a control freak, because I want everyone else's burdens so that I can take awaly their pain. I just spent the afternoon reading Keri's blog, and wow, let it be mine. Let me take the heart ache, frustration, anger, sorrow, and all that is bad for her.

I wake up with Rizzi and wonder what will be her hurdles for the day and PLEASE, let them be mine. I hate to see her in any distress...

Watching her hang a picture (I'm soooo not good with tools) she amazes me!! She is truly my center and balance, by bestfriend, confidante, all of it....even if I do frustrate her :)

*****

Ok, so there I am minding my own business, cleaning out the sink. Now usually we use Soft Scrub, however I had some Comet so I thought I would use it....well ok, we ran out of the other so I had no choice, but anyways...I start scrubbing the sink and Comet has the most distinct smell too it...it seriously took me back to being a kid with my sister doing chores.

I was 11 or 12 which made Jenny 10 or 11. My mom and dad worked during our summer vacations so we were left to tend ourselves (we were good kids so my parents didn't have much to worry about....yet). Every morning we would wake up to find the dreaded yellow note pad left on the counter with the days chores that had to be accomplished before my mom arrived home from work.

First thing we would do in the morning....turn off the stupid swamp cooler...it was cold. Even the note mom left said NOT to turn it off, it would get hot in the afternoon and the swamp cooler would have a hard time catching up, we knew she'd never know the difference. We'd go out to the kitchen with our wild, just woke up hair, with red sleepy eyes and moan over the list of projects/chores that needed to be done. We knew that mom wouldn't be home until close to 1500, so we would get our cereal, go out to the living room and turn on The Price is Right....god I loved that show!! We'd slowly wake up to Who's the Boss and crack each other up with who know what now. I'd always let Jenny shower first, she is the girliest girl I know, so that she could take her time in getting ready. We seriously wouldn't step outside until close to noon. We would walk to KarMart most days with the few dollars mom left us to buy New York Seltzer's...do you remember those....oh yeah Raspberry was the best. We'd always buy Swedish Fish too....used to be able to get them for a penny a piece. We'd walk back home and sit on the porch and talk about everything and nothing. We'd pull out the "boom box" and listen to music, people watch and talk sooooo much shit about everyone....we would laugh non-stop. She was my everything...my sister, bestfriend, partner in crime....hell she still is!!
At about 1430 we'd freak out that mom was gonna be home soon....AHHHH!! We'd run into the house like time snuck up on us and scramble for the yellow list. I usually had to clean the bathroom, and I'd let Jenny vacuum....she said it was easier. I'd grab the sponge and start with the sink. The comet would puff out of the canister and it was always so cool to watch the water hit it...and the smell...

Not much...

happened today...well ok, that's not completely true. It was nice, I actually slept in today, but that means that I didn't have my kids, which makes me a little sad :(. R, M and I went to the tattoo convention in SLC. M invited May and Sam, they are pleasant kids to have around. The convention was ok, but I can't seem to find the design for my "dream" tattoo, it's a shame I can't draw. We went to the Gateway for lunch....I love that place. It's a Sociology class all by it's self!

We had dinner with Marci tonight. It's always nice to see her, but I'm so conflicted in how I really feel about her. She had so much hate for me in the begining of my relationship with R. She bought into all of J's bullshit and made HUGE judgements about me. Now I know I gotta let the past be the past, but it wasn't until last January that Marci really saw J for what and who she really is. Thing is, I know that Marci would never intentionally hurt me...I'm huge to Rizzi and she loves Rizzi like a sister. I believe that Marci's heart is huge and gracious, but she has caused damage to myself and R without knowing it. It's hard sometimes to open up my home to someone who has given J information about us....Let the past be the past...I know!!

No new e-mails from J....wow and she didn't even call the cops...:)

I now look forward to the ritual of changing clothes, brushing teeth and snuggling with my soulmate!!!

What the hell is wrong with me...

when I find complete and utter joy in sending a message, that is really written by an attorney, and send it to her. I for real almost cried....I need counseling. :) The message more or less let her know that continuing to send us the same question OVER and OVER is starting to constitute harrassment....god I wish the law was that easy!! I'm at a breaking point with her....I want to scream at her, call her names and be immature...then rational Marcy shows up and says, Really?? What would that solve...then the illogical Marcy says...FUCK it who cares? No one else is treating this in a mature, rational way, why are we?

Ok more for later I'm sure....

So new...

to all of this, but I think it's a good form of Therapy!! First off, there is so much ground to cover, but I'll just try to do it day by day and hope that it will all come together in the end...hmmmm...interesting, isn't that lifes path right there??? Do you ever feel like the world is so messed up and the more you try to clean, the messier it becomes....it's like you start cleaning the floors, move the couch and holy shit....more dirt. So you clean up the under the couch, feelin pretty good that you've accomplished a task, move the couch back, and holy shit....more dirt....AHHHHH!!!

I swear I feel like we put out a fire with J and next thing you know...she's found someting else to knit pick about. She sent an e-mail tonight going on how I am not M's mother and I have no rights to him, he CAN NOT be in my care without R being present and if we do this it is contempt of their agreement....REALLY??? Is that in M's best interest truly? How can another woman, who is also in a lesbian relationship, cast that type of judgement. It fascinates me that there are str8 people who recognize my relationship, yet a woman who has been a lesbian FOREVER is unwilling to do so.....get a grip J, we are together, I love your son, take care of your son, provide for you son and hold him responsible like my own.

It makes me sad, I sat at a rally at the Capitol on the 13th and looked around at men and women dying to adpot their children, and I look at my partner (her son was the last child in Utah to be allowed to be adopted by a same sex couple) and think of the struggle she stills faces DAILY from a hateful woman. And at that same moment I look at K L J who lost her daughter to a hateful woman, and this is horrible, and wonder which one of them suffers more. Is it the woman who craves the touch of her daughter, to see her, feel her, smell her? Or is it the woman who has those above mentioned, but fights a daily battle for her son not to think that she is evil, doesn't love him and convince him we are family too? J continues to tell M that we aren't family and that Rizzi never wanted him. Who does that? Who INTENTIONALLY emotinally abuses her son and blames the other parent....OMG, someone, help me understand. I'm the one who sees the hurt, frustration, sadness, anger, of my partner....for what?? So J can feel vindicated? So she can say she won.....like M is a prize? The horrible part is we can't afford to go to court....god this makes me cry.....to save him from this abuse. She knows it too, she knows we don't have the money for a custody evaluation, to continue to go to mediation, and she takes advantage of it!! When did it become about money....it's not about the best interest of the child, it's about what parent can afford to take the other to court. Hell it was over $20,000 for minimum standard visitation 3 years ago..still paying for that.

We came home to an e-mail (their only form of communication) saying that if he were to be in my care for more than 4 hours then he was to be dropped off on Saturday at 1900 (it's our extra time with M for President's day). Now don't get me wrong....it is in the agreement that if the child (M) is to be out of the parents care for more than 4 hours the parent is to offer the time with the legal parent before someone else. We have explained to her no less than 3 times that R will be home with him, but she continues to say we are violating the agreement. J....we get it!! We know the agreement and would let you know when we will be working etc for more than 4 hours!! We aren't keeping him from you J. As hard as it is, we don't talk badly about J, we push for a healthy good relationship with you.



On a positive note, Wyatt tonight while watching a movie says to me, "mom when I grow up and make a movie I'm gonna make it with two boys, one white, one black, and show the world that black and white together is a good thing." OHHHH I love him!!



More to come....