and I'm gonna switch blogs. You can now find me at www.luckygirl75.wordpress.com I'll stop posting starting tomorrow.....
Thanks KLJ, I'm following you....does that make me a follower, wow that's weird.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
April 9th is officially...
pat Marcy on the back day!! Well, at least that's what Rizzi named it :). Yesterday was an awesome day for me, on all sorts of levels. And oddly enough it all started at IHOP. You see, IHOP currently has a Horton Hears a Who dinner for kids, and Cheyenne was so excited to get this dinner. So Rizzi, M, Wyatt, Chey and myself go there for dinner. When wer first entered, the handsome Manage, who is the gayes boy ever, said, long time no see. Ok, I don't even remember him, but he was so nice! As we walked to our table I noticed a woman and her son eating there, just the two of them. The boy was about Cheyenne's age I was guessing. This cute little man was having Horton for dinner as well. Rizzi and I are laughing and joking, as usual (she CRACKS me up all the time). I can't remember how the conversation got started, but next thing I know we are talking to this woman and son about the movie they just watched. The table next to us joined in the converstaion. It was awesome, stranger talking like friends, I live for it!! The conversation then turned to school and which Wyatt and Cheyenne attend. She said her son, B, goes to a private school as well, he is in preschool. God, its so hazy now, I just remember this woman was in pain, and you could see it on her face. She was well dressed, beautiful and just racked with grief. I could see it on her face. I couldn't help myself, I told her that she would be ok, whatever was hurting her would pass if she believed in herself. Ok, so you may be wondering why I said it. Wouldn't you if you knew it could change a persons life?
This woman started to cry. Marcy being Marcy I stood up on the bench, stepped over to where she was (behind us) and hugged her so tight. She hugged back, and held tightly as well. She let go, looked at me and asked if I was an angel. I laughed and told her, no, just some crazy lady from Ogden. :) It turns out this woman, B, is from Sacramento, recently divorced and in her first lesbian raltionship at age 40. How amazing that like people are drawn to like people. Truly, had no idea this woamn was "family" until after we hugged. It was funny, after we hugged tight and wiped our tears away, I extended my hand and said, "my names Marcy, what's yours?" We both laughed.
I sat with her and her son for about half an hour, we exchanged numbers and I hope to hear from her soon. I was worried about her last night. At one point in the conversation she askes Rizzi, who is still behind us, if she was ok with her and I talking. Rizzi laughed and said, I'm so used to it, I love that she can help. God she is perfect for me!!
Ok, so I get back to our table and start eating with the fam. The manager, who happened to be our server as well, comes to the table and asks me, do you remember me? OMG, please, no tests!! I said, you look familiar. You never know if it's from the jail....well!!! He says to me, well you were the most inspiring customer I've ever helped. He said that years ago I had come in for breakfast and he was BRAND new. He told me that I was the most positive customer he had and that I complimented him often. Often enough to inspire him to stay and work into management. He explained that I helped his self confidence a TON at work. How fuckin cool is that?? I almost cried again. I told him thanks and that it meant a ton to me that he would take the time to tell me. So by this time Rizzi and I are laughing and joking about my ego...I am human, it felt good to have people tell you how special you are.
So then we get home and I notice K is online. I drop him a line and ask how he is feeling. He says he's awesome. Stir crazy but awesome. He then tells me that he talked to his therapist about me today and how incredible I am in his life. He types that he loves me so much and that I have been an incredible friend. OMG, I am LOVING today right!!! How can you go wrong? I express my love for everyone daily, and it's nice to get it back in return.
And on a final note...My friend P&C, she I/M'd and told me what a positive influence I've been in her life, that her life has changed for the best since she has met me and that I am like family to her. I love her sooo much!!! I seriously don't know what to say to all the events of today, but Rizzi chuckled, pulled me close to her and said, holy shit babe, it's officially pat Marcy on the back day. She made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants :) Rizzi thanked me for being me, I thanked her for being her and off to bed we went so we could officially pat Marcy on the back ;)
This woman started to cry. Marcy being Marcy I stood up on the bench, stepped over to where she was (behind us) and hugged her so tight. She hugged back, and held tightly as well. She let go, looked at me and asked if I was an angel. I laughed and told her, no, just some crazy lady from Ogden. :) It turns out this woman, B, is from Sacramento, recently divorced and in her first lesbian raltionship at age 40. How amazing that like people are drawn to like people. Truly, had no idea this woamn was "family" until after we hugged. It was funny, after we hugged tight and wiped our tears away, I extended my hand and said, "my names Marcy, what's yours?" We both laughed.
I sat with her and her son for about half an hour, we exchanged numbers and I hope to hear from her soon. I was worried about her last night. At one point in the conversation she askes Rizzi, who is still behind us, if she was ok with her and I talking. Rizzi laughed and said, I'm so used to it, I love that she can help. God she is perfect for me!!
Ok, so I get back to our table and start eating with the fam. The manager, who happened to be our server as well, comes to the table and asks me, do you remember me? OMG, please, no tests!! I said, you look familiar. You never know if it's from the jail....well!!! He says to me, well you were the most inspiring customer I've ever helped. He said that years ago I had come in for breakfast and he was BRAND new. He told me that I was the most positive customer he had and that I complimented him often. Often enough to inspire him to stay and work into management. He explained that I helped his self confidence a TON at work. How fuckin cool is that?? I almost cried again. I told him thanks and that it meant a ton to me that he would take the time to tell me. So by this time Rizzi and I are laughing and joking about my ego...I am human, it felt good to have people tell you how special you are.
So then we get home and I notice K is online. I drop him a line and ask how he is feeling. He says he's awesome. Stir crazy but awesome. He then tells me that he talked to his therapist about me today and how incredible I am in his life. He types that he loves me so much and that I have been an incredible friend. OMG, I am LOVING today right!!! How can you go wrong? I express my love for everyone daily, and it's nice to get it back in return.
And on a final note...My friend P&C, she I/M'd and told me what a positive influence I've been in her life, that her life has changed for the best since she has met me and that I am like family to her. I love her sooo much!!! I seriously don't know what to say to all the events of today, but Rizzi chuckled, pulled me close to her and said, holy shit babe, it's officially pat Marcy on the back day. She made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants :) Rizzi thanked me for being me, I thanked her for being her and off to bed we went so we could officially pat Marcy on the back ;)
Monday, April 7, 2008
Ok, were to begin...
So kids were dropped off by Andy and his wife on Friday at about 2100. Wyatt was upset, crying, lips quivering and trying so hard to "be brave." His dad tells him over and over not to cry and be brave. When he got in the house I told him to cry all he wanted...it didn't make him less brave. If anything, it made him a brave little man to cry if he needed to. I told him I would take him to the zoo or the dino park on Saturday. The first thing he asked is if we would be there early in the morning. I told him no, that we would be sleeping in. He then infoms me that when we woke up in the morning his dad would be gone for one year....*sigh*. Funny thing about kids though, when I told him we would go somewhere he got so excited he started dancing around the house. Him and Chey did really well on Saturday, only Wyatt mentioned his daddy being gone one time. We ended up going to the Clarke Planetarium and going to see K. He is doing so well :)
I was supposed to give kids back to Kit on Sunday morning, but inevitably she couldnt watch them....she was too emotionally drained. I am the Captain of my counties potlucks, so I was unable to go, but it worked out for the best. I got to see P&C, K and all the kids played all day long, it was awesome. K stayed until 0200 and we had lengthy discussion about relationships....why is it balanced healthy people in relationships become counselors :) I love K and hope he gets the relationship he deserves...he's a great SINGLE guy, for all of those out there that may no a great SINGLE lady. ;)
Ok, let me vent real quickly about my kids and there schedule. First off, Andy asked that I keep the schedule the same (Kit having them Fri-Mon). Now I like to believe that I am an accomodating person, working with Andy for the kids sake. Rizzi, Kit, Andy and I went to lunch a week before he left. Kit didn't say much, but Andy, Rizzi and I talked about the summer schedule, what school they will attend, and pretty much anything you can think of for the next year. The problem is, Kit never talked about her work schedule, how she is going to get help if she needs it, etc. So when Andy called me Saturday to let me know that Kit couldn't take the kids on Sun I was perturbed. I mean, the whole reason I agreeded to allowing the kids to go to Andy's house while he is gone is so they could still have a sense of normalcy, to be around his space. But, seriously, if we can't have a routine schedule, fuck it, I'm keeping them with me and I'll figure out daycare. I can't go week to week not knowing what to expect out of Kit. Last night I noticed she was signed into her I/M so asked how she was doing and if she was holding up ok. I told her I was keeping the kids busy, so they were doing fine. She text back, "Thank you for keeping them busy." WTF?? Are you serious, thank you, there my kids, no thanks necessary. I was pissed, and I don't know if I'm justified in it, but oh well, it's what I was. She said she had to go out to the barn and feed the horses, so I asked that she call me later in the evening. She never did. I want to talk with her and make sure that she is good with the schedule, or if someting would work better for her. FUCK....I really don't need this lack of the unkown...I want a schedule and I want it now :)
I was supposed to give kids back to Kit on Sunday morning, but inevitably she couldnt watch them....she was too emotionally drained. I am the Captain of my counties potlucks, so I was unable to go, but it worked out for the best. I got to see P&C, K and all the kids played all day long, it was awesome. K stayed until 0200 and we had lengthy discussion about relationships....why is it balanced healthy people in relationships become counselors :) I love K and hope he gets the relationship he deserves...he's a great SINGLE guy, for all of those out there that may no a great SINGLE lady. ;)
Ok, let me vent real quickly about my kids and there schedule. First off, Andy asked that I keep the schedule the same (Kit having them Fri-Mon). Now I like to believe that I am an accomodating person, working with Andy for the kids sake. Rizzi, Kit, Andy and I went to lunch a week before he left. Kit didn't say much, but Andy, Rizzi and I talked about the summer schedule, what school they will attend, and pretty much anything you can think of for the next year. The problem is, Kit never talked about her work schedule, how she is going to get help if she needs it, etc. So when Andy called me Saturday to let me know that Kit couldn't take the kids on Sun I was perturbed. I mean, the whole reason I agreeded to allowing the kids to go to Andy's house while he is gone is so they could still have a sense of normalcy, to be around his space. But, seriously, if we can't have a routine schedule, fuck it, I'm keeping them with me and I'll figure out daycare. I can't go week to week not knowing what to expect out of Kit. Last night I noticed she was signed into her I/M so asked how she was doing and if she was holding up ok. I told her I was keeping the kids busy, so they were doing fine. She text back, "Thank you for keeping them busy." WTF?? Are you serious, thank you, there my kids, no thanks necessary. I was pissed, and I don't know if I'm justified in it, but oh well, it's what I was. She said she had to go out to the barn and feed the horses, so I asked that she call me later in the evening. She never did. I want to talk with her and make sure that she is good with the schedule, or if someting would work better for her. FUCK....I really don't need this lack of the unkown...I want a schedule and I want it now :)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I'm soooo EXCITED!!!
I know I already did a post today, but I couldn't help myself. I just received a letter from the private school Wy and Chey attend. Rizzi and I were going to put them in public school because we couldn't afford to send them anymore (Andy stopped paying his full tution cost and it was killin us!) BUT, I just received a notice that the kids were granted a scholarship and we will only have to pay half the tuition!! How fuckin cool is that? Yeah, I'm pretty much dancing right now :)
Suicide....
what a peculiar way to solve frustration and guilt. Now I know most of you believe suicide is a way to stop the "pain" of life, but I believe it is a way to stop frustration. The reason I bring this up is that at work last night two inmates attempted suicide. Now I am no expert, but isn't that the most cowardly of acts? Now I am not making judgement, we all deal with our frustration and guilt in different ways, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around individuals who dwell on their own suffering. Don't we all suffer to some degree, I mean EVERYONE. We all have a story, filled with greatness and sorrow at times. But seriously, who was the first person to conceive of the notion of taking your life to stop frustration? I consider myself fortunate, I suppose, for not allowing my heart to overtake my mind....or is it the other way around?
I listened to one inmate say he just wanted to move out of his cold cell, so he chose to try and hang himself with a sock (I must say he was not really trying to harm himself, just needed some attention), but the other was doing a fine job of cutting his wrists with a broken up plastic cup. When I spoke with him he said that he was a "scratcher" (meaning a cutter I'm sure) and that he just needed to release the pain. I get that, isn't that weird, that inflicting pain and allowing it to "leave" your body can make sense to me even frightens me :). But then he went on to say that he had nothing to "live for" since his father died. How sad that a person doesn't value their own self worth and gives that away to others. Even after telling me he's better off dead, he tried to convince me that he wasn't suicidal....a suicidal subject in denial is not easy to deal with. I explained that his statements, along with his actions, are self destructive, which can be viewed as suicidal. He wanted to argue, but if you know me at all, it wasn't much of an argument. He wanted to continue to tell me that he "couldn't believe I was thinking he wanted to committ suicide." WOW!!! I ever so gently explained that I didn't know what he was thinking, but I have a duty to protect, even if it's him against himself. It was surreal. He was empty and frustrated. He was non-responsive emotionally, even to himself. He was lost. I hate my job sometimes, it's draining and uncaring at moments, but on the other hand it has helped shape my view of the world. It has helped me remain positive, as unrealisitic as that may sound. It makes me appreciate the "white lights" floating around in the universe. It truly makes me embrace life with a HUGE hug every morning and a goodnight kiss as I fall into slumber. Life is what you make it right? Even through frustration, guilt, pain and sorrow.
I listened to one inmate say he just wanted to move out of his cold cell, so he chose to try and hang himself with a sock (I must say he was not really trying to harm himself, just needed some attention), but the other was doing a fine job of cutting his wrists with a broken up plastic cup. When I spoke with him he said that he was a "scratcher" (meaning a cutter I'm sure) and that he just needed to release the pain. I get that, isn't that weird, that inflicting pain and allowing it to "leave" your body can make sense to me even frightens me :). But then he went on to say that he had nothing to "live for" since his father died. How sad that a person doesn't value their own self worth and gives that away to others. Even after telling me he's better off dead, he tried to convince me that he wasn't suicidal....a suicidal subject in denial is not easy to deal with. I explained that his statements, along with his actions, are self destructive, which can be viewed as suicidal. He wanted to argue, but if you know me at all, it wasn't much of an argument. He wanted to continue to tell me that he "couldn't believe I was thinking he wanted to committ suicide." WOW!!! I ever so gently explained that I didn't know what he was thinking, but I have a duty to protect, even if it's him against himself. It was surreal. He was empty and frustrated. He was non-responsive emotionally, even to himself. He was lost. I hate my job sometimes, it's draining and uncaring at moments, but on the other hand it has helped shape my view of the world. It has helped me remain positive, as unrealisitic as that may sound. It makes me appreciate the "white lights" floating around in the universe. It truly makes me embrace life with a HUGE hug every morning and a goodnight kiss as I fall into slumber. Life is what you make it right? Even through frustration, guilt, pain and sorrow.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
What a wonderful weekend I had...
You may be saying to yourself, but it's Wednesday...I know!! :) You see I worked Fri-Sun 1900-0700, so I went to bed Monday at 0700. So really, its like haveing Tues and Wed off. Anyway, the whole point being, I have jacked up weekends. Monday I was supposed to stay awake and take K to see his doctor after his surgery, but for some reason the gods have it out for me and it snows a TON when I'm supposed to go to SLC. I came home instead and slept until 1300, got kids at 1500 and drove to SugarHouse to make K some dinner. P&C went with me, she ROCKS.
Speaking of P&C, there is a coffee shop on Washintion just South of 12th street (used to be a BBQ place), she stopped there to get us some chai's for the trip. Well, P&C was talking on the phone and so she waved the car behind her to go before her (she's so polite.) The car goes and leaves and P&C pulls up orders, gets the drinks and is going to pay but the cashier tells her the car before her paid already. Just when P&C and I have lost hope in humanity! The cashier explains it's a woman who visits quite frequently, so P&C give the cashier enough money to cover the woman's drink and the cashier a hefty tip. Cashier doesn't want to take it, but P&C insists. HOW COOL IS THAT STORY! I know where I'm gettin my coffee from here on out, AND, it's locally owned YAY!!
It was nice to have dinner with K, P&C and the kids. K looks FANTASTIC. He is so excited for his change. It was nice for my kids to be exposed to change and difference and have it be a beautiful thing, though my son is having a hard time understanding. No forcing understanding, but he'll either get it, or he won't. Simple!!
Yesterday I woke up wanting to clean the whole entire world, but I kept it in the kitchen. I took kids to school at 0730 and came home and swiffered the floors in the kitchen, dining room and Front room. I then scrubbed them. Like Cinderella scrubbed them and then mopped them with Murphy's oil. They look awesome. The wood is so shiny. I love my hard wood floors, one of the bonus' of owning an older home. Of course within a half an hour my dog streaked through the house with muddy paws. And 3 hours after that my kids got home and wanted egg salad sandwiches. Now when a kids want egg salad sandwiches they want to de-shell them (DUH!!). OMG, yeah it was messy. But the cool thing, my kids OFFERED to clean it up. I love that they are getting older. My sister stopped by with Livy, god that little girl is delicious!! Rizzi got home late, but she made up for it later that night....not what you thinking :) She talked to me forever, and for Marcy, that can be better than sex....well not always but anyway :)
I work the next two nights and have the weekend off, and bonus, I have the kids this weekend. Andy leaves Saturday....so not looking forward to that. I think I'll end up crying with my son because I can't imagine my dad leaving when I was 7. But, hey, let's not focus on crappy things that haven't happened yet.
Thanks for letting me ramble!!
Speaking of P&C, there is a coffee shop on Washintion just South of 12th street (used to be a BBQ place), she stopped there to get us some chai's for the trip. Well, P&C was talking on the phone and so she waved the car behind her to go before her (she's so polite.) The car goes and leaves and P&C pulls up orders, gets the drinks and is going to pay but the cashier tells her the car before her paid already. Just when P&C and I have lost hope in humanity! The cashier explains it's a woman who visits quite frequently, so P&C give the cashier enough money to cover the woman's drink and the cashier a hefty tip. Cashier doesn't want to take it, but P&C insists. HOW COOL IS THAT STORY! I know where I'm gettin my coffee from here on out, AND, it's locally owned YAY!!
It was nice to have dinner with K, P&C and the kids. K looks FANTASTIC. He is so excited for his change. It was nice for my kids to be exposed to change and difference and have it be a beautiful thing, though my son is having a hard time understanding. No forcing understanding, but he'll either get it, or he won't. Simple!!
Yesterday I woke up wanting to clean the whole entire world, but I kept it in the kitchen. I took kids to school at 0730 and came home and swiffered the floors in the kitchen, dining room and Front room. I then scrubbed them. Like Cinderella scrubbed them and then mopped them with Murphy's oil. They look awesome. The wood is so shiny. I love my hard wood floors, one of the bonus' of owning an older home. Of course within a half an hour my dog streaked through the house with muddy paws. And 3 hours after that my kids got home and wanted egg salad sandwiches. Now when a kids want egg salad sandwiches they want to de-shell them (DUH!!). OMG, yeah it was messy. But the cool thing, my kids OFFERED to clean it up. I love that they are getting older. My sister stopped by with Livy, god that little girl is delicious!! Rizzi got home late, but she made up for it later that night....not what you thinking :) She talked to me forever, and for Marcy, that can be better than sex....well not always but anyway :)
I work the next two nights and have the weekend off, and bonus, I have the kids this weekend. Andy leaves Saturday....so not looking forward to that. I think I'll end up crying with my son because I can't imagine my dad leaving when I was 7. But, hey, let's not focus on crappy things that haven't happened yet.
Thanks for letting me ramble!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
It's a boy!!!!!
That is what the balloons said that we sent him after his surgery!! He sent me a text on surgery day saying "I'm a boy!!" It is incredible to watch a person transform into who they really are. Thanks for the journey, though it's just began, and trusting to have me along!!
Thought I'd update on Andy and Afghanistan (that's were he is actually goin). He leaves next Saturday at 0745...I hope the kids will be ok, though I know I set the tone on how well my kids will be. If I have a hard time, they will too. If I stay strong, confident and empathetic, they will as well. I see I will have to pep talk myself this coming week and be cool as a cucumber....
Got registered for all my classes. Of course the online course I wanted was closed (Bastards!!!) They start in May, and I don't know if I have ever been this excited for school.
So I sluffed work tonight by the insistance of Rizzi. Soooo glad I did. We spent some time together, watched some L-word (still on season 4 cause we don't have Showtime and got the DVD's for X-mas.) Rizzi is the most kind, compassionate person I have ever been with. She is the safest person I have ever shared with and she fits like a glove. I am the luckiest girl in the galaxy :)
Thought I'd update on Andy and Afghanistan (that's were he is actually goin). He leaves next Saturday at 0745...I hope the kids will be ok, though I know I set the tone on how well my kids will be. If I have a hard time, they will too. If I stay strong, confident and empathetic, they will as well. I see I will have to pep talk myself this coming week and be cool as a cucumber....
Got registered for all my classes. Of course the online course I wanted was closed (Bastards!!!) They start in May, and I don't know if I have ever been this excited for school.
So I sluffed work tonight by the insistance of Rizzi. Soooo glad I did. We spent some time together, watched some L-word (still on season 4 cause we don't have Showtime and got the DVD's for X-mas.) Rizzi is the most kind, compassionate person I have ever been with. She is the safest person I have ever shared with and she fits like a glove. I am the luckiest girl in the galaxy :)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
So much to say...
so little time. Ok, update on employee, he called. I sent it to voicemail. He left message and acted as though we are bestfriends. I won't text or tell him over the phone that we are not friends, and that he has got to find someone else to help him, but I don't know if doing it face to face is a good idea either *sigh*.
Went to dinner last night with Rizzi and the kids, P&C and K. K is a friend of mine that is transgendering and goes to get his top surgery today...YAY!!! I am so excited for him. I talked with him this morning and we decided that "drunk" texting is in order this evening. My kids met him for the first time last Friday and Chey really loves him. When I told her this morning that K was getting his surgery today, she chanted his name over and over and asked if she could stay the night to help take care of him. I love her!! Funny thing is that Chey is my tough nut that doesn't usually like people. She's my introvert, so it's cool when you see her attach herself to people. P&C is my straight friend who is the BIGGEST allie ever....same with her mom. I have HUGE love for P&C....she's the best.
By the way...had a big fire in the fire pit in the back yard last night....I LOVE IT!!!
Went to dinner last night with Rizzi and the kids, P&C and K. K is a friend of mine that is transgendering and goes to get his top surgery today...YAY!!! I am so excited for him. I talked with him this morning and we decided that "drunk" texting is in order this evening. My kids met him for the first time last Friday and Chey really loves him. When I told her this morning that K was getting his surgery today, she chanted his name over and over and asked if she could stay the night to help take care of him. I love her!! Funny thing is that Chey is my tough nut that doesn't usually like people. She's my introvert, so it's cool when you see her attach herself to people. P&C is my straight friend who is the BIGGEST allie ever....same with her mom. I have HUGE love for P&C....she's the best.
By the way...had a big fire in the fire pit in the back yard last night....I LOVE IT!!!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Blast from the past....
*****Warning, this is really, really long*****
So there I was sitting on my couch minding my own business yesterday, when I get a text from a number that was way to famaliar. Some history....
About two years ago I became friends with my bestest friend in the whole world, we'll call her Prance and Cheer (P&C for short). Me and P&C work together. P&C was dating a fellow employee and it turned sooooo ugly. Ugly to the point that the fellow employee was stalking her (remember, we are cops here), threatening suicide weekly, but he was crafty enough to have the rest of us (other employees that are friends off duty) believing that he was just having a hard time since his divorce. I can't tell you how many times I took this employee to dinner to try and "help" him find himself and cheer him up. Well, it all came to head when P&C FINALLY filed a complaint at work (he would harrasse her there as well.) It turn into an IA (Internal Affairs investigation) and all of us were drug through hell. Now I'd say normally that an employee that has been investigated for stalking and admitted to the psyche ward for an attempted suicide wouldn't stay employed at our law enforcement agency.....guess again. Turns out that employee and the Cheif (who has since retired) are good buddies. Like go to coffee daily kinda buddies, so needless to say, employee kept his job (it should be noted he held the rank of Lieutenant). He was no longer a Lt., but he was placed in a civlian position with similar pay, got a take home vehicle (which he didn't have before) and still comes in contact with all involved. P&C was devastated and still has anxiety about running into him. TRUST me, I've told her a million times to get an attorney....she won't.
Ok, so back to sitting on the couch. I get a text from employee....
"Just wanted 2 say thanks 4 u'r help and sorry 4 be'in such a dick 4 the last year."
WHAT??? Why now??? I truly thought he was going to kill himself this time. I just imagined this being his last text. It took me a second to recognize the number, and I called P&C to be sure it was him. Well, if you've been trained in critical incidents (which I thought this very may well be) you know to start dialogue. So I text back,
"Eli...OMG..It's been forever! What are you doin?"
Ok, so it comes off really nice right? I was hoping to get a feel for his mental state, good, bad, moved on, still stuck in mental torment...you get the idea. He text back,
"Glad you figured it out! :)"
Ok, doesn't tell me mental state...though the smiley made me feel a little better. I send,
"It took me a minute. How have you been?"
He sends,
"Ok! Just try'in 2 appologise 2 everyone i fucked over. U'r one!"
Oh shit, back to regret and making ammends...realize I am sooo done with this guy. He seriously needs help beyond what a jailer can give, but I also know I have to get a sense of his mental state. This is why, so that Marcy can be ok with Marcy. I hope you understand what I mean. So if Employee killed himself without talking with me I'd be ok, but if employee killed himself after reaching out to me I wouldnt be ok. Make sense?? So I send,
"You didn't fuck me over..You did that to yourself. Sounds like your doing better. Know that I'm not bitter or hold grudges..I was worried about you, then got pissed and then got over it :) thank you so much for the apology."
Now all of this is very true, but it's also a set up...I call it bait statements. It almost forces someone to reply, with no question being asked. It will show if Employee has moved forward, or is still stuck in mental torment by his response. He responded,
"Just try'in 2 get lean w-people i like. Thanks and sorry."
Bastard, he just baited me. It again leaves you feeling as though his mental state is that of regret and making ammends before taking drastic steps. I have to remember he is trained even better than I. I decided it was time to take kids gloves off and go for it. I sent,
"Are you gonna hurt yourself? I haven't heard from you in awhile and don't know how your doing so i want to make sure."
There, I said it!! Now I am aware he can lie....he's done it before, but it's not about him. It's about me...if he responds with a no, then I'm ok, don't have to make it better and tell him to shove it....lol....ok, I would never do that, but I will have a different level of responsiblity to myself. He responds,
"No don't be retarded :) but thats how everyone treats me."
FUCK REALLY!!!! OMG...cause you cried wolf so many times that is how people are going to view you....I think I almost tore my hair out on that one....he is soooo oblivious to how he was/is. I sent,
"You can't blame us!! I'd say most of us are leary...I'm glad your doing well. Can I ask what brought this on?"
Please, Please, Please remember I asked this question early on....the truth comes out at the end, but instead he said...
"Just been so distant from people who helped me but beem 2 embarrased 2 talk about those timer." (times)
I sent,
"I can understand that. I'm sure it's hard sometimes. So tell me what your up to now."
Notice, I don't want to talk about the past, he just said he's embarassed to talk about it, so being the polite person I am, I ask how he is now...it's been 2 years. You'd hope that you could talk about something new, but to honest....I don't even care. He sent,
"Just try'in 2 keep my life in 1 piece. But when i try 2 talk about what im feel'in people go nuts and think i'm gunna blow my brains out."
Who says this shit? Understand, that is what employee was telling me two years ago. He just wanted to share his feelings. What a selfish prick. It's always about him and his feelings, and he takes no one else into account. It's so hard to be nice sometimes. I sent,
"Is that why your trying to re-connect with past friends?"
Unfortunately text takes away from the sarcasm dripping off my voice. He sent,
"I think so."
"I just want 2 talk 2 people who know me."
HA HA....Anyways, I sent,
"(his name)...I don't think i really knew you...you were lost."
He sends,
"I asked u and others 2 cover 4 me based on what i wanted them 2 know about me. That's why im sorry I used u."
NO SHIT dumbass...that's why we will never be friends again....I sent,
"Yeah i know. That's why i can say i didn't know you. For real, no need to apology."
Oops, just noticed my grammatical error *sigh*....he sent,
"I hid myself from everyond and if u pretend 2 b an immage long emough u loose whtgatro u really r."
Ok, let me dicipher that mess. I hid myself from everyone and if you pretend to be an image long enough u lose who and what you really r. Well, learned that lesson long ago, and not really interested in helping him AT all!! I sent,
"Oh trust me I know. Live that way myself. Tried talking to you about it at dinner once. Told you you had to find yourself."
He sent,
"I know!! :) i tried drugs 2 find me instead the dr's said that's what i needed. Wrong!!"
Ok, now I know he's off his head meds, could be one of the reasons he's talking to the past. I was done....I was done because I can't help or want to frustrate myself with his shit. I sent,
"I'm taking my sick ass to bed. Thanks again..Have a good night."
YAY...done....or so I thoight. He sent
"U 2"
I snuggled back on the couch with the girlfriend and was pleased that I wasn't absolutely rude, but was the typical accomodating Marcy. What's that....my phone ringing again, a text,
"I know I can trust u. I've had a lot of stomach problems and i've lost 20lbs in 2 weeks. I'm scared 2 death."
Soooo typical employee....talk around the issue and then spring it on ya when your finished....I was furious!!!
"Have you gone to the doctor?"
He sends,
"No 2 scared. Sorry 2 lay this on u."
No your not, you love it...your sick twisted ass loves to have drama and make your shit other peoples....not gonna take it, it's yours!!! I sent,
"You need to go..You know I can't help with that. You gotta go get checked and then let me know what they say."
Still can't figure out why I told him to tell me what the results are....I guess one cancer patient to another. But that's why he chose me!! He sends,
"I know what the answer is. People treat me like a leper b-cause i tried 2 off myself what will they treat me like when they know i have cancer?"
I sent,
"How do you know it's cancer?"
He sent,
"I was diagnosed 4 years ago. It was remissive."
Now mind you, we all knew and hung out with employee then, he never mentioned it....EVER!! I sent,
"What type of cancer?"
He sent,
"Stomach. The only thing they could do is take it ouj and leave me shitt'in in a bag! I won't live like that!"
I sent,
"Ok...So don't get your stomache out and wither away....God vain"
What else does he expect? GOD!!! He sent,
"Yes i am! Go 2 bed and thaks 4 let'in me vent."
It wasn't venting, it was let's cry for employee!! I have no pity, sorrow or remorse for him. I really don't...which is kinda creepy for someone like me. I sent,
"Good night."
He sent,
"U2 thank's"
Done right...oh no Mr. pitiful had to send,
"I sent out alot of initial text't. U were the only 1 who answered. Guess i know who my friends r."
Ok, I didn't respond to this one....becasue Im not his friend. I decided that I would need to call employee and tell him that I only answered cause it makes ME feel better. So that I don't live with regret....Answer a text doesn't prove a god damn thing....maybe I'm foolish is what that proves.
I called P&C and let her know our conversation...I hope she is ok, she is definetly anxious.
Sorry to ramble, but I had to put it somewhere (like proof) and not lose it...plus it's thereapy!!
So there I was sitting on my couch minding my own business yesterday, when I get a text from a number that was way to famaliar. Some history....
About two years ago I became friends with my bestest friend in the whole world, we'll call her Prance and Cheer (P&C for short). Me and P&C work together. P&C was dating a fellow employee and it turned sooooo ugly. Ugly to the point that the fellow employee was stalking her (remember, we are cops here), threatening suicide weekly, but he was crafty enough to have the rest of us (other employees that are friends off duty) believing that he was just having a hard time since his divorce. I can't tell you how many times I took this employee to dinner to try and "help" him find himself and cheer him up. Well, it all came to head when P&C FINALLY filed a complaint at work (he would harrasse her there as well.) It turn into an IA (Internal Affairs investigation) and all of us were drug through hell. Now I'd say normally that an employee that has been investigated for stalking and admitted to the psyche ward for an attempted suicide wouldn't stay employed at our law enforcement agency.....guess again. Turns out that employee and the Cheif (who has since retired) are good buddies. Like go to coffee daily kinda buddies, so needless to say, employee kept his job (it should be noted he held the rank of Lieutenant). He was no longer a Lt., but he was placed in a civlian position with similar pay, got a take home vehicle (which he didn't have before) and still comes in contact with all involved. P&C was devastated and still has anxiety about running into him. TRUST me, I've told her a million times to get an attorney....she won't.
Ok, so back to sitting on the couch. I get a text from employee....
"Just wanted 2 say thanks 4 u'r help and sorry 4 be'in such a dick 4 the last year."
WHAT??? Why now??? I truly thought he was going to kill himself this time. I just imagined this being his last text. It took me a second to recognize the number, and I called P&C to be sure it was him. Well, if you've been trained in critical incidents (which I thought this very may well be) you know to start dialogue. So I text back,
"Eli...OMG..It's been forever! What are you doin?"
Ok, so it comes off really nice right? I was hoping to get a feel for his mental state, good, bad, moved on, still stuck in mental torment...you get the idea. He text back,
"Glad you figured it out! :)"
Ok, doesn't tell me mental state...though the smiley made me feel a little better. I send,
"It took me a minute. How have you been?"
He sends,
"Ok! Just try'in 2 appologise 2 everyone i fucked over. U'r one!"
Oh shit, back to regret and making ammends...realize I am sooo done with this guy. He seriously needs help beyond what a jailer can give, but I also know I have to get a sense of his mental state. This is why, so that Marcy can be ok with Marcy. I hope you understand what I mean. So if Employee killed himself without talking with me I'd be ok, but if employee killed himself after reaching out to me I wouldnt be ok. Make sense?? So I send,
"You didn't fuck me over..You did that to yourself. Sounds like your doing better. Know that I'm not bitter or hold grudges..I was worried about you, then got pissed and then got over it :) thank you so much for the apology."
Now all of this is very true, but it's also a set up...I call it bait statements. It almost forces someone to reply, with no question being asked. It will show if Employee has moved forward, or is still stuck in mental torment by his response. He responded,
"Just try'in 2 get lean w-people i like. Thanks and sorry."
Bastard, he just baited me. It again leaves you feeling as though his mental state is that of regret and making ammends before taking drastic steps. I have to remember he is trained even better than I. I decided it was time to take kids gloves off and go for it. I sent,
"Are you gonna hurt yourself? I haven't heard from you in awhile and don't know how your doing so i want to make sure."
There, I said it!! Now I am aware he can lie....he's done it before, but it's not about him. It's about me...if he responds with a no, then I'm ok, don't have to make it better and tell him to shove it....lol....ok, I would never do that, but I will have a different level of responsiblity to myself. He responds,
"No don't be retarded :) but thats how everyone treats me."
FUCK REALLY!!!! OMG...cause you cried wolf so many times that is how people are going to view you....I think I almost tore my hair out on that one....he is soooo oblivious to how he was/is. I sent,
"You can't blame us!! I'd say most of us are leary...I'm glad your doing well. Can I ask what brought this on?"
Please, Please, Please remember I asked this question early on....the truth comes out at the end, but instead he said...
"Just been so distant from people who helped me but beem 2 embarrased 2 talk about those timer." (times)
I sent,
"I can understand that. I'm sure it's hard sometimes. So tell me what your up to now."
Notice, I don't want to talk about the past, he just said he's embarassed to talk about it, so being the polite person I am, I ask how he is now...it's been 2 years. You'd hope that you could talk about something new, but to honest....I don't even care. He sent,
"Just try'in 2 keep my life in 1 piece. But when i try 2 talk about what im feel'in people go nuts and think i'm gunna blow my brains out."
Who says this shit? Understand, that is what employee was telling me two years ago. He just wanted to share his feelings. What a selfish prick. It's always about him and his feelings, and he takes no one else into account. It's so hard to be nice sometimes. I sent,
"Is that why your trying to re-connect with past friends?"
Unfortunately text takes away from the sarcasm dripping off my voice. He sent,
"I think so."
"I just want 2 talk 2 people who know me."
HA HA....Anyways, I sent,
"(his name)...I don't think i really knew you...you were lost."
He sends,
"I asked u and others 2 cover 4 me based on what i wanted them 2 know about me. That's why im sorry I used u."
NO SHIT dumbass...that's why we will never be friends again....I sent,
"Yeah i know. That's why i can say i didn't know you. For real, no need to apology."
Oops, just noticed my grammatical error *sigh*....he sent,
"I hid myself from everyond and if u pretend 2 b an immage long emough u loose whtgatro u really r."
Ok, let me dicipher that mess. I hid myself from everyone and if you pretend to be an image long enough u lose who and what you really r. Well, learned that lesson long ago, and not really interested in helping him AT all!! I sent,
"Oh trust me I know. Live that way myself. Tried talking to you about it at dinner once. Told you you had to find yourself."
He sent,
"I know!! :) i tried drugs 2 find me instead the dr's said that's what i needed. Wrong!!"
Ok, now I know he's off his head meds, could be one of the reasons he's talking to the past. I was done....I was done because I can't help or want to frustrate myself with his shit. I sent,
"I'm taking my sick ass to bed. Thanks again..Have a good night."
YAY...done....or so I thoight. He sent
"U 2"
I snuggled back on the couch with the girlfriend and was pleased that I wasn't absolutely rude, but was the typical accomodating Marcy. What's that....my phone ringing again, a text,
"I know I can trust u. I've had a lot of stomach problems and i've lost 20lbs in 2 weeks. I'm scared 2 death."
Soooo typical employee....talk around the issue and then spring it on ya when your finished....I was furious!!!
"Have you gone to the doctor?"
He sends,
"No 2 scared. Sorry 2 lay this on u."
No your not, you love it...your sick twisted ass loves to have drama and make your shit other peoples....not gonna take it, it's yours!!! I sent,
"You need to go..You know I can't help with that. You gotta go get checked and then let me know what they say."
Still can't figure out why I told him to tell me what the results are....I guess one cancer patient to another. But that's why he chose me!! He sends,
"I know what the answer is. People treat me like a leper b-cause i tried 2 off myself what will they treat me like when they know i have cancer?"
I sent,
"How do you know it's cancer?"
He sent,
"I was diagnosed 4 years ago. It was remissive."
Now mind you, we all knew and hung out with employee then, he never mentioned it....EVER!! I sent,
"What type of cancer?"
He sent,
"Stomach. The only thing they could do is take it ouj and leave me shitt'in in a bag! I won't live like that!"
I sent,
"Ok...So don't get your stomache out and wither away....God vain"
What else does he expect? GOD!!! He sent,
"Yes i am! Go 2 bed and thaks 4 let'in me vent."
It wasn't venting, it was let's cry for employee!! I have no pity, sorrow or remorse for him. I really don't...which is kinda creepy for someone like me. I sent,
"Good night."
He sent,
"U2 thank's"
Done right...oh no Mr. pitiful had to send,
"I sent out alot of initial text't. U were the only 1 who answered. Guess i know who my friends r."
Ok, I didn't respond to this one....becasue Im not his friend. I decided that I would need to call employee and tell him that I only answered cause it makes ME feel better. So that I don't live with regret....Answer a text doesn't prove a god damn thing....maybe I'm foolish is what that proves.
I called P&C and let her know our conversation...I hope she is ok, she is definetly anxious.
Sorry to ramble, but I had to put it somewhere (like proof) and not lose it...plus it's thereapy!!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sick, Sick, Sick....
that is my current state. The flu, I've decided, is no fun!! I am home alone, which is nice sometimes, but it's lying on the couch with body aches, chills, and a fever. Nothing like sickness to make you feel weak and puny. Though it has givin me a chance to study in silence and do absolutely nothing (though Rizzi reminded me of laundry that needs to be folded) :)
****Ok, really, the whole puking thing is horrible. My throat hurts, my body aches, and I'm just all around miserable. I whine when I'm sick and I get irritable (hard to believe, I know!!) I quit smoking today (AGAIN!!) so I think it's a conspiracy by my body to do me in!! Chantix is a miracle drug I swear, it helps making quitting a attainable goal for me. See, the problem is I love to smoke...I call it my valium, but I am very aware of the dangers, and my enjoyment does not out weigh the danger *sigh* rational Marcy ruins everything! But, I know my kids will be proud and they will be excited for me to quit. Besides that, I am a HUGE believer in actions speak louder than words, so smoking around kids tells them it's ok. *I swear I'll FREAK out if they smoke* My sick ass is going back to bed, I had to check to see if I felt human...I don't.
****Ok, really, the whole puking thing is horrible. My throat hurts, my body aches, and I'm just all around miserable. I whine when I'm sick and I get irritable (hard to believe, I know!!) I quit smoking today (AGAIN!!) so I think it's a conspiracy by my body to do me in!! Chantix is a miracle drug I swear, it helps making quitting a attainable goal for me. See, the problem is I love to smoke...I call it my valium, but I am very aware of the dangers, and my enjoyment does not out weigh the danger *sigh* rational Marcy ruins everything! But, I know my kids will be proud and they will be excited for me to quit. Besides that, I am a HUGE believer in actions speak louder than words, so smoking around kids tells them it's ok. *I swear I'll FREAK out if they smoke* My sick ass is going back to bed, I had to check to see if I felt human...I don't.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
We were soooo set up...
So this is typically Rizzi's weekend with M right...well it's J's Easter Holiday which was to begin on Thursday at 1800 hours. Rizzi sends an e-mail to J saying we would be picking him up from school Thursday and that J could come get him from our house at 1800. Of course J tells us that we can't do that, but our attorney says otherwise and advises us to pick M up from school. Well Rizzi and I agree that we don't want to put M in the middle of it, so we would go to his school and just tell him Happy Easter and that we'd see him next week (our next visit will be the following Thursday.) We get to the school and Rizzi meets him by his bus, when he sees her he says he's supposed to be with his mom (J). Rizzi says well actually your supposed to be with me until 1800, but it's ok, I just wanted to tell you Happy Easter and give you a big hug. M then says, well mom told me if you showed up that I had to go with you. Rizzi asks him if he wants to come with us and he says that Rizzi had to make that decision. Rizzi tells him, "we'd love to have you for a few hours." M comes with us and Rizzi calls J's phone, which she doesn't answer, and leaves a message saying that she has M and that she can come pick him up at 1800. As we are driving, who should pass right by us, looks directly at us, but J. We get home and are here for about 30 minutes. I was lying on my bed (I worked the night before) and I hear a knock on the door. M comes in my room and says, I guess I'm leaving. I ask him why and he says, go look in the front room. I walk out and there is a OPD officer. J is at the end of the neighbors drive way staring up at our house. The officer, who by the way we know, was polite and VERY nice and says that J has told him that we have taken our son on her time. OMG, really!!! Rizzi and I kiss and hug M, cause we aren't going to make this harder for him, and he leaves with her. The officer hung out with us and gave us some great advice for the future (Cause J like to involve the police). I can't help but think about how that would have affected me when I was a kid. I can't help but think that a mother is choosing to allow her personal feelings about me and Rizzi to GREATLY affect her childs emotional well being. I can't help but think that it's gotta end soon!! We have called everynight, like always, and no one will answer the phone. Rizzi has had no contact with him since the officer was here, I can only imagine what J is filling him full of. Karma, that's all I'm gonna say.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Life is..
a series of recognitions and taking advantage of opportunities....or at least that's what it means to me today. So, life is ever changing as well....it's how you flow with change that speaks of who and what you are. Though I see the tests, I don't doubt for one minute that I pass, sometimes with A's, other times with C's, but I am certain I am not a failure.
I write this not only for me, but for friends that may be down on their luck....for those, who at moments like now, need someone to show them that it isn't always about you...not in a rude way, but in a way that says, it's not your fault, don't doubt yourself or what you are doing!!! Know that it's about opportunities...and that little girl wasn't ready for her opportunity! You pass your life with A's...maybe she didn't feel ready for her test. You know who you are when I write this...and I KNOW without doubt that you are ready and willing, but life is ever changing, and though you have had ebbs and tides throughout your life, this is what has defined you, made you who you are....and your incredible. I hope that people give back to you the same way that you give. Thank you for you....know that gifts are given to you everyday, and the gift that you want is waiting....for the right opportunity!
I write this not only for me, but for friends that may be down on their luck....for those, who at moments like now, need someone to show them that it isn't always about you...not in a rude way, but in a way that says, it's not your fault, don't doubt yourself or what you are doing!!! Know that it's about opportunities...and that little girl wasn't ready for her opportunity! You pass your life with A's...maybe she didn't feel ready for her test. You know who you are when I write this...and I KNOW without doubt that you are ready and willing, but life is ever changing, and though you have had ebbs and tides throughout your life, this is what has defined you, made you who you are....and your incredible. I hope that people give back to you the same way that you give. Thank you for you....know that gifts are given to you everyday, and the gift that you want is waiting....for the right opportunity!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
My brain is...
goo!!! I recently decided to go back to school, as stated previously, and I have been studying like no other. It makes my brain useless for simple tasks. My kids probably think I have problems :). I went to coffee with friends today, it was nice to sit with a group of adults, but I really missed Rizzi. It's strange, you live with someone and see them on ALL your time off, but I still miss her like crazy when she's not with me....I know I'm having half the fun I could be having.
So the kids dad called today to confirm that he will be leaving for Iraq on Apr 05. My son has been saying how much he will miss his daddy, I'm really worried how well they will do with dad gone.
Fortunately, Andy and I have done divorce really well, I know sounds strange, but it's true. We share, 50/50, with time and money. I have been fortunate that my ex is not a "gay hater" or out to screw me over because of his personal feelings. We have really pushed aside our difference, and realize that the kids mental health is more important than hurting one another. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments, but overall it's all about Wyatt and Cheyenne. With that being said, my kids are really health adjusted kids that have enjoyed both their parents, but now that Andy is leaving, half their balance will be gone.
Andy remarried shortly after we divorced and the kids love Kit like a mom, so they will still be going to their house half time and share his space, but he will be gone. I worry how it will effect them on a daily basis, and know it will be hard in the begining and hope that it will get better for them. I want a crystal ball....NOW!! :) I made appointments for them with a counselor, we'll see if it helps. If anyone even reads this blog, let me know if you've had a similar situation and how you dealt with it.
So the kids dad called today to confirm that he will be leaving for Iraq on Apr 05. My son has been saying how much he will miss his daddy, I'm really worried how well they will do with dad gone.
Fortunately, Andy and I have done divorce really well, I know sounds strange, but it's true. We share, 50/50, with time and money. I have been fortunate that my ex is not a "gay hater" or out to screw me over because of his personal feelings. We have really pushed aside our difference, and realize that the kids mental health is more important than hurting one another. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments, but overall it's all about Wyatt and Cheyenne. With that being said, my kids are really health adjusted kids that have enjoyed both their parents, but now that Andy is leaving, half their balance will be gone.
Andy remarried shortly after we divorced and the kids love Kit like a mom, so they will still be going to their house half time and share his space, but he will be gone. I worry how it will effect them on a daily basis, and know it will be hard in the begining and hope that it will get better for them. I want a crystal ball....NOW!! :) I made appointments for them with a counselor, we'll see if it helps. If anyone even reads this blog, let me know if you've had a similar situation and how you dealt with it.
How creepy can...
one person get?? You know who you are, and your creepy, deceitful and twisted. It won't be long until all of that is discovered, and I'll be standing there smiling like a giddy school girl :) I wish you no harm, I wish you no ill will, but I do know you will be discovered for what you really are, and that is the justice/karma of life....it's coming full circle. It's taken years for it to be that way, but truth does prevail....promise.
Friday, March 14, 2008
OMG, the Human Body....
it was an incredible!!! The day before we got Wyatt and Cheyenne report cards and both got incredible grades, so Rizzi and I took them out of school early (M got out early for some school reason) and we headed out to SLC, to the Clarke Planetarium and watched the Human Body. I sooo wish I could have seen a show like that when I was younger, it makes you REALLY think about what going on with our incredible machine!! I wish that the show would have been longer, it was 45 minutes, but I would HIGHLY suggest anyone go see it. Cheyenne cracked me up, she covered her eyes during the food processing part. We went to dinner after the show to California Pizza Kitchen, I LOVE that place. We didn't get home until after 2000 so it was brush teeth and off to bed.
I love bed time with Rizzi, and not for all the reason that just ran through your mind, but because we laugh SOOOOO hard. She is my best friend!!! She should be a comedian :)
I love bed time with Rizzi, and not for all the reason that just ran through your mind, but because we laugh SOOOOO hard. She is my best friend!!! She should be a comedian :)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I think I forgot to mention...
that I have blocked a TON of my posts because we are going back to court with J, and until all is done, I think it best to keep my posts private. However, when all is said and done, I'll post like no other :)
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Cinderella...
what an incredible love story. On Friday Rizzi and I went and saw the ballet at WSU....I love Cinderella, it is by far the best love story!! While sitting in our seats waiting for it to begin we had the opportunity to listen to the symphony warm up. It gives me chills, to watch a group of men and women come together and make something beautiful...it's how life should work. We should all be working together to make life happen. It gives me chills to watch, brings tears to my eyes and motivates me like no other!
As the ballet began I was met with tears of excitement, past dreams and a hope that all would go well...for all of them. I remember, like yesterday, what it was like to rehearse, practice, be disappointed and have the opening night of a dance...hell I danced on the very same stage. It's exhilerating. I felt all those same emotions as I watched the symphony, the ballerina's and the stage all come together....you know, men and women working together and making something beautiful....I think it is my new life motto!! I cried at least four times, felt the chills all evening and my heart swelled HUGE!!! It was so magical to me.
Rizzi, I'm sure, didn't have the same feelings, but she was there with me...ALWAYS. She is so incredible. She is truly perfect for me!! Thanks for the incredible date night babe, it was perfect!!
As the ballet began I was met with tears of excitement, past dreams and a hope that all would go well...for all of them. I remember, like yesterday, what it was like to rehearse, practice, be disappointed and have the opening night of a dance...hell I danced on the very same stage. It's exhilerating. I felt all those same emotions as I watched the symphony, the ballerina's and the stage all come together....you know, men and women working together and making something beautiful....I think it is my new life motto!! I cried at least four times, felt the chills all evening and my heart swelled HUGE!!! It was so magical to me.
Rizzi, I'm sure, didn't have the same feelings, but she was there with me...ALWAYS. She is so incredible. She is truly perfect for me!! Thanks for the incredible date night babe, it was perfect!!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Daydreaming...
that has become a habit lately. Not that it's a bad thing...it's just that it can make the "real world" a little more difficult. I recently went and had a visit with an Acadmic Counselor at WSU. Turns out I only have a year left for my batchelors and a minor in English. I then will apply for law school....soooo excited to move on with my life and do what I have been "daydreaming" about for close to a decade. I'm scared to not accomplish my goal, as I believe this is so doable and expect alot of myself, but I really hate disappointment. I want to prove to myself that I am able to accomplish this task and make it happen. I have been viewing myself as wasted potential for time now, sick of feeling that way. I have so many excuese I give myself for not going (mortgage, car payment, kids, blah, blah, blah) and I'm done doing it!! I am a true believer of "you can be anything when you grow up?" Good thing I haven't grown up yet ;)
I meet with the CJ dept on Friday to determine how many courses are necessary for graduation and the advisor is a judge, so hopefully they will be full of advise for me. I am so excited to go, and yes, I know I will be frustrated, want to give up and yell at myself on occasion for putting myself through this torture....but what's fun if you don't have a little discomfort right?
I meet with the CJ dept on Friday to determine how many courses are necessary for graduation and the advisor is a judge, so hopefully they will be full of advise for me. I am so excited to go, and yes, I know I will be frustrated, want to give up and yell at myself on occasion for putting myself through this torture....but what's fun if you don't have a little discomfort right?
Monday, February 25, 2008
Had soooo much fun...
This weekend!! Went out with the girls and took my str8 friend to Papermoon...it was awesome. I think I just needed a day to not care, let shit go and dance like a mad woman!! And dance like a mad woman I did!! I love to people watch and better place than a bar??? Though, I'd have to say I can't imagine doing weekend after weekend. Going twice a year suits me fine! Also went to lunch with my parents on Saturday, I want to get closer to them, so we are working on that. Overall, I had an excellent time with old friends and some new friends as well!!
Ran into J's partner (T) ex at the bar. She was nice enough, but it's weird how I keep to myself when I know there is a link between me and J sitting next to me. I want to ask so many questions though. I mean this woman lived with T for 3 years, she'd know what she is like..we don't and she lives with Merick with her two kids. She did say that T was a good mom...that's good!! She said that T has an agenda and it's usually money....well J has plenty so there ya go. I just said, well she found the right woman then....wanted to say, I hope she fucks J over....then thought better of it! ;)
On another note, Haven't heard from J since our weekend with M. It's funny that she interfere's all day long when he is with us, but refuses to admit that is what she is doing. Rizzi talked with M last night and he told her that she is ruining his life because she won't take him to scouts. Now I understand that M has his own mind, and he wants certain things that won't be given, but his other mom puts a lot of shit in his mind. And if not going to scouts is ruining his life, I do believe I have a Drama Queen on my hands :)
****I just got home from picking up kids...it was a long weekend without them. Cheyenne cracks me up....she tells me today...wanna know why I'm going to be a teacher when I grow up? I said, why sweetie? She says, cause you can take your shoes off! God I love her!! How simple is that? I have to remember how to be that simple!
Andy called me today, he will be leaving for Iraq on 05 April...I worry how the kids will handle it. Wonder how to answer all the questions, how to stay positive when they will be sad, but know that they will still be linked to him by going to his wife and their other house. We'll see.....
Ran into J's partner (T) ex at the bar. She was nice enough, but it's weird how I keep to myself when I know there is a link between me and J sitting next to me. I want to ask so many questions though. I mean this woman lived with T for 3 years, she'd know what she is like..we don't and she lives with Merick with her two kids. She did say that T was a good mom...that's good!! She said that T has an agenda and it's usually money....well J has plenty so there ya go. I just said, well she found the right woman then....wanted to say, I hope she fucks J over....then thought better of it! ;)
On another note, Haven't heard from J since our weekend with M. It's funny that she interfere's all day long when he is with us, but refuses to admit that is what she is doing. Rizzi talked with M last night and he told her that she is ruining his life because she won't take him to scouts. Now I understand that M has his own mind, and he wants certain things that won't be given, but his other mom puts a lot of shit in his mind. And if not going to scouts is ruining his life, I do believe I have a Drama Queen on my hands :)
****I just got home from picking up kids...it was a long weekend without them. Cheyenne cracks me up....she tells me today...wanna know why I'm going to be a teacher when I grow up? I said, why sweetie? She says, cause you can take your shoes off! God I love her!! How simple is that? I have to remember how to be that simple!
Andy called me today, he will be leaving for Iraq on 05 April...I worry how the kids will handle it. Wonder how to answer all the questions, how to stay positive when they will be sad, but know that they will still be linked to him by going to his wife and their other house. We'll see.....
Friday, February 22, 2008
I was so...
close to earasing the last post, but thought...isn't the idea of all this to show the frustration, get it out and have a chance to look at all of it and learn from it? So earasing does not make it go away, and maybe this is what this about....knowing that I can't run, hide or erase my life away. There comes a point that you have to evaluate what you can compromise, what you can't and know what you'll do if you hit that cross roads.
I have always said that as long as people are respectful, communicate and are willing to try I will never give up on them. Never thought that I'd have to evaluate that it meant that the trying was for the way I needed it, now how they want to give it...turns out it's a big difference. Time will tell....time will tell if I need to face a cross roads...if choices, that seem impossible, need to be made.
Since the first couple of e-mails have been sent and the blogging, I have notice a push to try, a need to try and understand, a try to reconnect for ME, the way I need it. There's the try!! Now I have to pull my head out and look at the full picture....Hard sometimes.
I have always said that as long as people are respectful, communicate and are willing to try I will never give up on them. Never thought that I'd have to evaluate that it meant that the trying was for the way I needed it, now how they want to give it...turns out it's a big difference. Time will tell....time will tell if I need to face a cross roads...if choices, that seem impossible, need to be made.
Since the first couple of e-mails have been sent and the blogging, I have notice a push to try, a need to try and understand, a try to reconnect for ME, the way I need it. There's the try!! Now I have to pull my head out and look at the full picture....Hard sometimes.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Can't even put into words today...
how I feel....like breathing hurts, like I'm an idiot....like I just blew out a flame that I assumed was burning bright for me by someone else, all the while it was me burning it for someone else confusing myself, yet again. I so know that makes no sense to anyone else, but that's not what this for right? It sucks to feel empty, and you depleted yourself without even knowing you were doing it!! I'm so numb, crying would be difficult right now. I don't know if I'm mad, sad, frustrated....all of it.....NUMB!!!!
Running away is no longer an option. How many people will I hurt because I learn to accept certain things about myself....No more. No more will I go on acting as though life is ok, that I'm the happiest person alive and that I'm a special, spectacular person. I'm not. I'm not really worth the effort it turns out....not really that amazing that people can be caught up in me....gotta do that for myself, but not sure how.
I thought Cancer taught me all this....I thought it showed me how amazing life really was, and how to live it the right way....How to hold on to people tight and show them what they mean, to let them know DAILY that they are my world....is it just me that lives this way?? And why does it have to be wrong to want others to do it the same way, so they dont live with regret or sorrow? Oh yeah, that's lifes lesson, everyone is different and Marcy soooo can't grasp that. I'm so sick of lessons, I'm so sick of disappointment and I'm realizing what I'm doing to myself and that's hard!!! I have no one to blame, counter accuse....it's will always come down to me and me alone!! FUCK.....this sucks!!!
Running away is no longer an option. How many people will I hurt because I learn to accept certain things about myself....No more. No more will I go on acting as though life is ok, that I'm the happiest person alive and that I'm a special, spectacular person. I'm not. I'm not really worth the effort it turns out....not really that amazing that people can be caught up in me....gotta do that for myself, but not sure how.
I thought Cancer taught me all this....I thought it showed me how amazing life really was, and how to live it the right way....How to hold on to people tight and show them what they mean, to let them know DAILY that they are my world....is it just me that lives this way?? And why does it have to be wrong to want others to do it the same way, so they dont live with regret or sorrow? Oh yeah, that's lifes lesson, everyone is different and Marcy soooo can't grasp that. I'm so sick of lessons, I'm so sick of disappointment and I'm realizing what I'm doing to myself and that's hard!!! I have no one to blame, counter accuse....it's will always come down to me and me alone!! FUCK.....this sucks!!!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
God, did someone just punch me....
in the stomach....though I won't be able to post this immediately...it is 2/19/08 and I just got word that a bill I have been watching is possibly going to not make it. It would allow the non-custodial parent more time with their child, be more involved in the decisions that affect the child and allow the parent's to designate a responsible party other than themselves....yep, it would give me the same right as a "spouse" of a straight relationship. But of course Hillyard has mentioned a "gay agenda" with the bill.........SHUT UP!! Go back to your hole, cover your head and chant stupidity somewhere else....Please. I do not interfere with your life, and this person has know idea who, what and how I am!! How can a person, who hasn't had dinner with me, played with my kids or drank beer with me change my life? I pray she never knows the pain, anguish and frustration that I must feel because of hate and fear. This is about NON custodial parents, not GAYS!!! And you know what, who gives a fuck if it helps out the gays....what is going to hurt you.....when did people lose site of the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD....to who's standard's??? I'm telling you right now, it is in the best interest of ALL of my children that they have us all....even if J doesn't agree!!!
OMG...I feel so angry right now....I want so badly to just bitch slap the smart into people....
OMG...I feel so angry right now....I want so badly to just bitch slap the smart into people....
Could it be...
that spring is on it's way? I woke up the house this morning (opening all the blinds and a window just a crack) and within a half hour, the house felt alive. I believe if my 82 year old house could sing it would have been :). I walked outside, getting ready to go shopping, and could hear the snow melting away. It wasn't just the tick, tick tick, of snow falling off the house, I swear you can hear the earth taking a drink from the concrete and dirt. I sat silently for a moment, letting the sun soak into my sun parched skin. It's so nice to feel sunray kisses and light ray hugs. Made me want to cry.
I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I'm a blubbering idiot. I really do hate the winter, it's depressing and I have no motivation, which in turn makes me not like Marcy so much. I am starting to notice as the weather changes, as I watch Mother Earth shed her old skin, I too must go through the same transition. I suppose that the snow, as it melts away and falls like tears, I too am going through the same transition. Letting go of all that is old, ugly and worn out and prepare for our new, bright, pretty skin.
I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I'm a blubbering idiot. I really do hate the winter, it's depressing and I have no motivation, which in turn makes me not like Marcy so much. I am starting to notice as the weather changes, as I watch Mother Earth shed her old skin, I too must go through the same transition. I suppose that the snow, as it melts away and falls like tears, I too am going through the same transition. Letting go of all that is old, ugly and worn out and prepare for our new, bright, pretty skin.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Searching...
to find how I can make a difference, where I fit in and how I can help. Being born a helper is so satisfying, but frustrating at the same time. I think I'm partly a control freak, because I want everyone else's burdens so that I can take awaly their pain. I just spent the afternoon reading Keri's blog, and wow, let it be mine. Let me take the heart ache, frustration, anger, sorrow, and all that is bad for her.
I wake up with Rizzi and wonder what will be her hurdles for the day and PLEASE, let them be mine. I hate to see her in any distress...
Watching her hang a picture (I'm soooo not good with tools) she amazes me!! She is truly my center and balance, by bestfriend, confidante, all of it....even if I do frustrate her :)
*****
Ok, so there I am minding my own business, cleaning out the sink. Now usually we use Soft Scrub, however I had some Comet so I thought I would use it....well ok, we ran out of the other so I had no choice, but anyways...I start scrubbing the sink and Comet has the most distinct smell too it...it seriously took me back to being a kid with my sister doing chores.
I was 11 or 12 which made Jenny 10 or 11. My mom and dad worked during our summer vacations so we were left to tend ourselves (we were good kids so my parents didn't have much to worry about....yet). Every morning we would wake up to find the dreaded yellow note pad left on the counter with the days chores that had to be accomplished before my mom arrived home from work.
First thing we would do in the morning....turn off the stupid swamp cooler...it was cold. Even the note mom left said NOT to turn it off, it would get hot in the afternoon and the swamp cooler would have a hard time catching up, we knew she'd never know the difference. We'd go out to the kitchen with our wild, just woke up hair, with red sleepy eyes and moan over the list of projects/chores that needed to be done. We knew that mom wouldn't be home until close to 1500, so we would get our cereal, go out to the living room and turn on The Price is Right....god I loved that show!! We'd slowly wake up to Who's the Boss and crack each other up with who know what now. I'd always let Jenny shower first, she is the girliest girl I know, so that she could take her time in getting ready. We seriously wouldn't step outside until close to noon. We would walk to KarMart most days with the few dollars mom left us to buy New York Seltzer's...do you remember those....oh yeah Raspberry was the best. We'd always buy Swedish Fish too....used to be able to get them for a penny a piece. We'd walk back home and sit on the porch and talk about everything and nothing. We'd pull out the "boom box" and listen to music, people watch and talk sooooo much shit about everyone....we would laugh non-stop. She was my everything...my sister, bestfriend, partner in crime....hell she still is!!
At about 1430 we'd freak out that mom was gonna be home soon....AHHHH!! We'd run into the house like time snuck up on us and scramble for the yellow list. I usually had to clean the bathroom, and I'd let Jenny vacuum....she said it was easier. I'd grab the sponge and start with the sink. The comet would puff out of the canister and it was always so cool to watch the water hit it...and the smell...
I wake up with Rizzi and wonder what will be her hurdles for the day and PLEASE, let them be mine. I hate to see her in any distress...
Watching her hang a picture (I'm soooo not good with tools) she amazes me!! She is truly my center and balance, by bestfriend, confidante, all of it....even if I do frustrate her :)
*****
Ok, so there I am minding my own business, cleaning out the sink. Now usually we use Soft Scrub, however I had some Comet so I thought I would use it....well ok, we ran out of the other so I had no choice, but anyways...I start scrubbing the sink and Comet has the most distinct smell too it...it seriously took me back to being a kid with my sister doing chores.
I was 11 or 12 which made Jenny 10 or 11. My mom and dad worked during our summer vacations so we were left to tend ourselves (we were good kids so my parents didn't have much to worry about....yet). Every morning we would wake up to find the dreaded yellow note pad left on the counter with the days chores that had to be accomplished before my mom arrived home from work.
First thing we would do in the morning....turn off the stupid swamp cooler...it was cold. Even the note mom left said NOT to turn it off, it would get hot in the afternoon and the swamp cooler would have a hard time catching up, we knew she'd never know the difference. We'd go out to the kitchen with our wild, just woke up hair, with red sleepy eyes and moan over the list of projects/chores that needed to be done. We knew that mom wouldn't be home until close to 1500, so we would get our cereal, go out to the living room and turn on The Price is Right....god I loved that show!! We'd slowly wake up to Who's the Boss and crack each other up with who know what now. I'd always let Jenny shower first, she is the girliest girl I know, so that she could take her time in getting ready. We seriously wouldn't step outside until close to noon. We would walk to KarMart most days with the few dollars mom left us to buy New York Seltzer's...do you remember those....oh yeah Raspberry was the best. We'd always buy Swedish Fish too....used to be able to get them for a penny a piece. We'd walk back home and sit on the porch and talk about everything and nothing. We'd pull out the "boom box" and listen to music, people watch and talk sooooo much shit about everyone....we would laugh non-stop. She was my everything...my sister, bestfriend, partner in crime....hell she still is!!
At about 1430 we'd freak out that mom was gonna be home soon....AHHHH!! We'd run into the house like time snuck up on us and scramble for the yellow list. I usually had to clean the bathroom, and I'd let Jenny vacuum....she said it was easier. I'd grab the sponge and start with the sink. The comet would puff out of the canister and it was always so cool to watch the water hit it...and the smell...
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Not much...
happened today...well ok, that's not completely true. It was nice, I actually slept in today, but that means that I didn't have my kids, which makes me a little sad :(. R, M and I went to the tattoo convention in SLC. M invited May and Sam, they are pleasant kids to have around. The convention was ok, but I can't seem to find the design for my "dream" tattoo, it's a shame I can't draw. We went to the Gateway for lunch....I love that place. It's a Sociology class all by it's self!
We had dinner with Marci tonight. It's always nice to see her, but I'm so conflicted in how I really feel about her. She had so much hate for me in the begining of my relationship with R. She bought into all of J's bullshit and made HUGE judgements about me. Now I know I gotta let the past be the past, but it wasn't until last January that Marci really saw J for what and who she really is. Thing is, I know that Marci would never intentionally hurt me...I'm huge to Rizzi and she loves Rizzi like a sister. I believe that Marci's heart is huge and gracious, but she has caused damage to myself and R without knowing it. It's hard sometimes to open up my home to someone who has given J information about us....Let the past be the past...I know!!
No new e-mails from J....wow and she didn't even call the cops...:)
I now look forward to the ritual of changing clothes, brushing teeth and snuggling with my soulmate!!!
We had dinner with Marci tonight. It's always nice to see her, but I'm so conflicted in how I really feel about her. She had so much hate for me in the begining of my relationship with R. She bought into all of J's bullshit and made HUGE judgements about me. Now I know I gotta let the past be the past, but it wasn't until last January that Marci really saw J for what and who she really is. Thing is, I know that Marci would never intentionally hurt me...I'm huge to Rizzi and she loves Rizzi like a sister. I believe that Marci's heart is huge and gracious, but she has caused damage to myself and R without knowing it. It's hard sometimes to open up my home to someone who has given J information about us....Let the past be the past...I know!!
No new e-mails from J....wow and she didn't even call the cops...:)
I now look forward to the ritual of changing clothes, brushing teeth and snuggling with my soulmate!!!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
What the hell is wrong with me...
when I find complete and utter joy in sending a message, that is really written by an attorney, and send it to her. I for real almost cried....I need counseling. :) The message more or less let her know that continuing to send us the same question OVER and OVER is starting to constitute harrassment....god I wish the law was that easy!! I'm at a breaking point with her....I want to scream at her, call her names and be immature...then rational Marcy shows up and says, Really?? What would that solve...then the illogical Marcy says...FUCK it who cares? No one else is treating this in a mature, rational way, why are we?
Ok more for later I'm sure....
Ok more for later I'm sure....
Friday, February 15, 2008
So new...
to all of this, but I think it's a good form of Therapy!! First off, there is so much ground to cover, but I'll just try to do it day by day and hope that it will all come together in the end...hmmmm...interesting, isn't that lifes path right there??? Do you ever feel like the world is so messed up and the more you try to clean, the messier it becomes....it's like you start cleaning the floors, move the couch and holy shit....more dirt. So you clean up the under the couch, feelin pretty good that you've accomplished a task, move the couch back, and holy shit....more dirt....AHHHHH!!!
I swear I feel like we put out a fire with J and next thing you know...she's found someting else to knit pick about. She sent an e-mail tonight going on how I am not M's mother and I have no rights to him, he CAN NOT be in my care without R being present and if we do this it is contempt of their agreement....REALLY??? Is that in M's best interest truly? How can another woman, who is also in a lesbian relationship, cast that type of judgement. It fascinates me that there are str8 people who recognize my relationship, yet a woman who has been a lesbian FOREVER is unwilling to do so.....get a grip J, we are together, I love your son, take care of your son, provide for you son and hold him responsible like my own.
It makes me sad, I sat at a rally at the Capitol on the 13th and looked around at men and women dying to adpot their children, and I look at my partner (her son was the last child in Utah to be allowed to be adopted by a same sex couple) and think of the struggle she stills faces DAILY from a hateful woman. And at that same moment I look at K L J who lost her daughter to a hateful woman, and this is horrible, and wonder which one of them suffers more. Is it the woman who craves the touch of her daughter, to see her, feel her, smell her? Or is it the woman who has those above mentioned, but fights a daily battle for her son not to think that she is evil, doesn't love him and convince him we are family too? J continues to tell M that we aren't family and that Rizzi never wanted him. Who does that? Who INTENTIONALLY emotinally abuses her son and blames the other parent....OMG, someone, help me understand. I'm the one who sees the hurt, frustration, sadness, anger, of my partner....for what?? So J can feel vindicated? So she can say she won.....like M is a prize? The horrible part is we can't afford to go to court....god this makes me cry.....to save him from this abuse. She knows it too, she knows we don't have the money for a custody evaluation, to continue to go to mediation, and she takes advantage of it!! When did it become about money....it's not about the best interest of the child, it's about what parent can afford to take the other to court. Hell it was over $20,000 for minimum standard visitation 3 years ago..still paying for that.
We came home to an e-mail (their only form of communication) saying that if he were to be in my care for more than 4 hours then he was to be dropped off on Saturday at 1900 (it's our extra time with M for President's day). Now don't get me wrong....it is in the agreement that if the child (M) is to be out of the parents care for more than 4 hours the parent is to offer the time with the legal parent before someone else. We have explained to her no less than 3 times that R will be home with him, but she continues to say we are violating the agreement. J....we get it!! We know the agreement and would let you know when we will be working etc for more than 4 hours!! We aren't keeping him from you J. As hard as it is, we don't talk badly about J, we push for a healthy good relationship with you.
On a positive note, Wyatt tonight while watching a movie says to me, "mom when I grow up and make a movie I'm gonna make it with two boys, one white, one black, and show the world that black and white together is a good thing." OHHHH I love him!!
More to come....
I swear I feel like we put out a fire with J and next thing you know...she's found someting else to knit pick about. She sent an e-mail tonight going on how I am not M's mother and I have no rights to him, he CAN NOT be in my care without R being present and if we do this it is contempt of their agreement....REALLY??? Is that in M's best interest truly? How can another woman, who is also in a lesbian relationship, cast that type of judgement. It fascinates me that there are str8 people who recognize my relationship, yet a woman who has been a lesbian FOREVER is unwilling to do so.....get a grip J, we are together, I love your son, take care of your son, provide for you son and hold him responsible like my own.
It makes me sad, I sat at a rally at the Capitol on the 13th and looked around at men and women dying to adpot their children, and I look at my partner (her son was the last child in Utah to be allowed to be adopted by a same sex couple) and think of the struggle she stills faces DAILY from a hateful woman. And at that same moment I look at K L J who lost her daughter to a hateful woman, and this is horrible, and wonder which one of them suffers more. Is it the woman who craves the touch of her daughter, to see her, feel her, smell her? Or is it the woman who has those above mentioned, but fights a daily battle for her son not to think that she is evil, doesn't love him and convince him we are family too? J continues to tell M that we aren't family and that Rizzi never wanted him. Who does that? Who INTENTIONALLY emotinally abuses her son and blames the other parent....OMG, someone, help me understand. I'm the one who sees the hurt, frustration, sadness, anger, of my partner....for what?? So J can feel vindicated? So she can say she won.....like M is a prize? The horrible part is we can't afford to go to court....god this makes me cry.....to save him from this abuse. She knows it too, she knows we don't have the money for a custody evaluation, to continue to go to mediation, and she takes advantage of it!! When did it become about money....it's not about the best interest of the child, it's about what parent can afford to take the other to court. Hell it was over $20,000 for minimum standard visitation 3 years ago..still paying for that.
We came home to an e-mail (their only form of communication) saying that if he were to be in my care for more than 4 hours then he was to be dropped off on Saturday at 1900 (it's our extra time with M for President's day). Now don't get me wrong....it is in the agreement that if the child (M) is to be out of the parents care for more than 4 hours the parent is to offer the time with the legal parent before someone else. We have explained to her no less than 3 times that R will be home with him, but she continues to say we are violating the agreement. J....we get it!! We know the agreement and would let you know when we will be working etc for more than 4 hours!! We aren't keeping him from you J. As hard as it is, we don't talk badly about J, we push for a healthy good relationship with you.
On a positive note, Wyatt tonight while watching a movie says to me, "mom when I grow up and make a movie I'm gonna make it with two boys, one white, one black, and show the world that black and white together is a good thing." OHHHH I love him!!
More to come....
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